I made about a million mistakes in my first journey to "out there", and, to her credit, Lambie only made a few. But it is worth noting them, for those of you who are yet to venture onto the dating scene. If our pain can help just one of you find a nice man, then it will all be absolutely worth it. (Which is rubbish, of course. I’ll be bitter and envious. Why can you find a nice partner and I can’t?)

Mistake One: The Dating Game

“I’m going round Australia playing the dating game,” Lambie says to camera, and I cringed at home on my couch. Dating is not a game, and trying to "play" it is the surest path to failure. A game has rules and moves and winners and losers. A game needs strategy and skill. Dating is, for the most part, pure unadulterated luck. You can follow all the rules in the world and still end up alone, or wander down to your local café in your tracky pants and meet the man of your dreams. Once you’ve made a connection, it all boils down to chemistry, and that, my friends, doesn’t follow any rules.

Mistake Two: The Botox

Before beginning her dating adventures, Lambie got a whole new wardrobe, a new hairdo, a makeover, and Botox and fillers. Now, there’s nothing wrong with looking your best. But if you’re a no-makeup person who wears pants and a ponytail, slapping on foundation and a frock and curling your hair for dates isn’t going to serve you in the long term. If you want to be loved for yourself, you have to be yourself, not a made-over, frocked up alternate version.

Mistake Three: Taking Off the Clothes

“Chatting isn’t the issue,” Lambie confessed. “Taking my clothes off is the issue.” Of course, it’s perfectly normal to get nervous before having sex with a new person, particularly after a long period of abstinence. (And 15 years is a long time. I feel you, sista. I’ve had dry patches myself.)

But really, there is nothing to be nervous about. Men don’t judge our bodies the way we judge ourselves. They see legs, boobs and a bum, and think, “YEAH! I’m going to have sex!” They are far too grateful to be seeing a naked woman to worry about dimensions or dimpling. So rip off the gear and give it a go.

Mistake Four: Going to a B&S Ball

I don’t think that needs any further explanation.

Mistake Five: The Assessments

After each of her three dates, Lambie debriefed about the men with her trusty dating coach and her less trustworthy friends. She used terms like "easy conversation", "nice bloke" and "really impressive". (Her friends used terms like "nice arse", which is arguably just as valid.)

And yes, the blokes were nice enough, and they chatted, and were impressive. (Well, one of them was impressive. The others were nice enough, and chatted.) But connections don’t come down to a positive valuation. Attraction can’t be determined by a checklist, or even logic. It all boils down to that elusive spark. Chemistry. And without chemistry, the rest means not a thing.

Mistake Six: The Vibrators

Lambie attended a sex toy party, and fiddled with vibrators of all shapes and colours. But it’s not the colour that’s important, and it’s not even the shape. It’s the battery life that is most important.

And yes. You are very welcome.