In an attempt to quell how furiously perplexed I’ve been feeling, I’ve spent the past few days trying to exercise my more curious side, instead of launching into immediate judgment when someone talks about The Wedding. So, I have been asking people what they think of the royals. And, I’ve actually learnt all this stuff.

One of my friends, for example, said that for him the royals symbolised "stability and leadership". When he said that, I almost flipped with indignation. "Leadership!" I thought – "Where?!" But then, when he reminded me about Australia’s political circus over the past decade I realised that, well yes, maybe the royals are better at leadership than us (or, at least dictatorship). And they are almost certainly better at stability (or, at silencing dissidence).

Some of my other friends said that I needed to think about it in light of the progress the institution has made. "They’ve made significant reforms, whether you think they have a place in modern society or not," said one of them. "If you look at where the royals were in the '40s, to Harry now marrying Meghan – a mixed race, divorced American actress – it’s pretty cray-cray," said another. (Yes, I said, but I can’t imagine a gay wedding taking place at Buckingham Palace any time soon – let’s not kid ourselves that they are social progress pioneers).

For some, of course, it’s just about the fun. One of my mates is having a party for The Wedding on Saturday night. They’ll be flicking channels between the Collingwood game and The Wedding, wearing tiaras, and eating wedding cake. My friend bought tiny union jack flags to stick in the top of the cake the other day.

I have to say, I get a bit FOMO about things like that. But just like I avoid nights where my friends sit around drinking pinot and watching The Bachelor (which is another time I get FOMO) I’ll be actively avoiding The Wedding on Saturday night. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

The other night, I raced up the steps to my best friend’s apartment, on the way to a casual dinner party. On the coffee table amid the condiments were two cardboard cut-out masks of Prince Harry and Meghan’s faces. My friend’s eyes gazed creepily out of Harry’s empty eye sockets when she held it up. "Why do these exist?" I asked. No one could answer.

The hysteria surrounding The Wedding, for me, is insane. Although I’ve had some genuine insights into why people care, I’ve gotta say, personally I never will. I’d much rather we break our colonial ties sooner rather than later. Hype about an ancient institution is never going to help us, as a society, to progress.

Claire Thurstans is a Fairfax Media columnist.