Brittany might be a bit bogan, but she sure knows how to take a picture (and drive a ute). Source: Foxtel

I’m ready to hurriedly learn the names of twelve girls and give them nicknames.

I’m ready to learn how to walk, find my light, and say ‘oh my god’ very, very often.

I’m ready to live in a clifftop mansion, sleeping in a cheap-looking aluminium bunk bed.

When the theme song goes ‘I wanna be on top’, this is what they mean. Source: Foxtel

I’m ready to get excited about the prizes, which include a modelling contract, a car, a packet of sugar-free gum and a matinee jacket.

The regular gang is almost all here, with one sad omission and one new face. Charlotte Dawson is notably and regrettably absent, as Tyra Banks shouts at us at the very beginning. Jen Hawkins is there, as is Shiny Alex Perry, with Didier Cohen and new addition Cheyene Tozzi as mentors. Obviously the mentors’ names are too hard for me to spell every week, so let’s just call them ‘Diddles & the Totz’ and be done with it. YES! Nicknames.

Diddles & The Totz — most of their advice is about teeth-whitening. Source: Foxtel

Via a number of quick edits, voice-overs and super-slow-mo footage we meet the modules, and they sure is perdy. We have:

Alexandra — the shortest, but a blonde of outstanding facial bones.

Brittany — a bogan butterfly emerging from a tradie truck-driving chrysalis.

Brittany really puts the ‘ute’ in ‘beautiful’. Source: Foxtel

Lucy — wide-set eyes reminiscent of Zoe Saldana’s Na’vi character in Avatar, but it TOTALLY works for her.

Kaitlyn — shyer than Cadet Hooks in the first Police Academy movie, with stunning eyes and eyebrows.

Cassie — an incredible facial veneer over an oddly monotone core.

Izi — a natural beauty who is either obnoxiously smart or endearingly smart, time will tell.

Ayieda — hails from both South Sudan and the Tom Cruise University Of Self-Confidence; and

Jess, Jordan, Lauren, Phoebe and Tanahya — who ... I guess ... we’ll find out more about next week?

With a new scoring system that assigns points for both challenge proficiency and photo-shoot gorgeousness, no time is wasted (except for really quite a lot of super-slow-mo) before the first challenge.

Challenged

In a task that seems suspiciously relevant to the modelling world (last series the modules had to fish a coin out of a jar of maggots), the girls must appear in a catwalk show in dresses and shoes. That’s right, dresses AND shoes. This show has everything.

In a surprise comparable to opening a box of cotton buds and finding cotton buds inside, Brittany says she never really wears heels. That’s hardly her biggest problem, though, as she misses an entire round of up-and-down walkies due to a sudden and significant panic attack.

This pales in comparison, however, to Ayieda’s peculiar gait, which is like a baby fawn learning to walk on an icerink. Her ankles roll dangerously and painfully outward, the audience barely able to hear the music over the sound of sinew grinding on bone.

A sound still preferable to the Iggy Azalea back-catalogue. Source: Foxtel

It’s unusual, I tell you.

Phoy-Toys

Suddenly the modules are whisked to a studio. You can tell, because upon arrival, one of the girls shouts “Looks like a studio!”. Diddles & The Totz are there to tell them they’ll be photographed today in black-and-white portraits and that they want to see ‘the real and the raw’, just like in a Pete Evans cookbook but considerably less controversial. They introduce photographer Gary Heery and mega-uber-model Alessandra Ambrosio which is totally a real name, I checked.

The girls are coaxed through the shoot with varying success: some extreme shy-awkwards from Kaitlyn, absolutely no blips on the charisma radar from Cassie, a solitary crystalline tear from Alexandra, impressively square shoulders from Brittany, and off-the-scale self-assured chutzpah from Ayieda, who feels fairly confident she’s just brought the photo of the week. I hope she comes out of her shell soon, that girl.

Cassie is excited on the inside, you guys. Source: Foxtel

Eliminatorium

The new scoring system and new guest judge and new brightly lit Eliminatorium do nothing to take the edge off the devastating suspense of elimination. You can pinpoint the exact moment that the lowest-scoring contestant’s dreams shatter like a stiletto-spiked make-up mirror.

In this case it’s Kaitlyn, or as I was ready to nickname her if she’d stayed a bit longer, ‘Shybrows’. She cries. It’s a pretty cry. I want to hug my screen. You should, too. HUG THE SCREEN YOU COLD BASTARDS.

We feel you, Shybrows. Source: Foxtel

Talky-Talky

Quote of the week must come from industrial digger expert Backhoe Brittany who, when excited about her stellar photo score, drawls “I cant believe I got that score with only a quarter of my face!”.

Just think of your face as your ‘front end loader’, Brit. Source: Foxtel

Call me, Brittany. Let’s go get Chiko rolls and be BFFs.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Jo will be faithfully recapping Australia’s Next Top Model for news.com.au. Follow her on Twitter @JoThornely