How do I work this bloody thing again? A shopper grapples with a self-service check-out. Source: News Limited

In an increasingly uncertain world where people are kept up at night by their ballooning credit card debt, fears over job security and consternation that they’re not doing enough to reduce their waistline, I’ve got my sights trained on a much smaller target.

Some people love them: They find them fast, easy to use and convenient.

I, on the other hand, find them nothing short of an insult.

I am talking of the self-service check-out at supermarkets and department stores.

Or, as Coles likes to euphemistically refer to them, “assisted” check-outs.

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Convenient or headache-inducing? The serve-yourself machines. Source: News Limited

So, what’s my beef?

Essentially, I believe do-it-yourself check-outs fundamentally break the contract between retailer and customer.

Here’s what I mean. When we go shopping, we expect better service in some stores than we do in others.

For instance, we’re happy to accept that we won’t receive A-1 service at the petrol station. We don’t expect that poor, lonely guy behind the counter to bound out of the servo and fill our tank up for us. The most we expect are a few grunts from him when we hand over our cash or card after we’ve filled up ourselves.

On the other hand, when we go to a fancy restaurant, buy a wedding dress or purchase a new car, our expectations are much higher: friendly chitchat, extensive product knowledge and maybe a bonus or two if we spend up big.

Watch out for “unexpected items in the baggage area”, buddy. Source: News Limited

At Coles, Woolies, Big W or Kmart, our expectations fall closer to the petrol-station end of the spectrum. We’re not surprised or angered if the pimply 15-year-old stacking the shelves in aisle 3 isn’t sure where we can find the light bulbs; nor if the 14-year-old girl behind the deli counter is a little vague on the details about where the king prawns were caught.

But here’s the thing. For me, I fundamentally believe that I should not have to scan my trolley-load of items myself. It felt like only a month ago that people were paid to do that work for me. Where’s my $15 an hour?

You’ve got to love the personal touch of a check-out chick. Source: Getty Images

The least I expect is that there’s someone there to unenthusiastically *beep* my items into plastic bags in silence. A cheerful “how ya going?” is a bonus.

But today, smiling assistants subtly steer us away from the increasingly lengthy queues for manned check-outs towards the blank-faced self-service computers that are gobbling up floorspace in our local Coles and Woolies.

And it’s here that the trouble really starts.

Only the most expert shoppers manage to navigate through the dance of the self-service check-out without the machine summarily shaming them in front of the whole neighbourhood.

“Unexpected items in baggage area,” it shrieks. “No cash out from this terminal,” it chastises. And worst of all, mess up a few times and the machine will throw a toddler-sized tantrum, beeping and flashing and generally freaking out.

We put some of our gripes to Coles and it maintained that self-service check-outs were all about the convenience of the customer.

Spokesman Blair Speedy said the “assisted” check-outs were, well, speedy.

“In stores where most people are only buying a few items, we’ve found that assisted check-outs are actually twice as fast as traditional staffed check-outs in getting customers through the store,” he told us.

Some shoppers prefer the convenience of doing it themselves. Source: News Limited

He said more than 1000 customers an hour could serve themselves at peak times in CBD stores thanks through the DIY machines.

Coles maintains that it always has staffed check-outs available for customers who want them, but in my experience that isn’t strictly the case. Especially if you’re doing some late-night shopping, good luck finding a staffed check-out.

My local Kmart has hidden its (minimally) staffed check-outs in the middle of the store, and the only thing the average shopper notices on the way out is the gleaming row of self-service machines.

Coles also says that there is always a staff member there to assist with the “assisted” check-outs but, again, my experience is vastly different.

This is me if I manage to avoid using the self-service check-outs. Source: Supplied

Importantly, Coles says that it has not cut staff members as a result of the self-service machines.

“Instead, we have redeployed team members to the shop floor where they are available to help customers,” Mr Speedy said.

This is no doubt true. But I’d bet that while little Johnny is still on the payroll at Coles, his weekly hours have been slashed.

So, Coles, we love “cheap, cheap” prices, and Woolies, we love that you’re the “fresh food people”, but we’re people too. And I, for one, would prefer to interact with a person next time I’m shopping with you.

What do you think of self-service check-outs? Convenient or painful? Comment below or join the conversation on twitter @newscomauHQ.