Bill Nighy in a scene from 2003 film 'Love Actually' Source: Supplied

While the more intellectual among you have been discussing 18C post Charlie Hebdo, and the athletic have been throwing tennis balls at the beach, I’ve been engaged in internecine warfare over a movie.

Worse, it’s gone on for a month — ever since the cult classic got its annual airing at Christmas. What started as jocular sparring over whether the plots were credible — oh, hello, Hugh Grant as the British Prime Minister! — quickly developed into a bitter battle over whether it’s possible to fall in love with someone who doesn’t speak the same language, and whether Emma Thompson’s character is responsible for the ennui in her marriage because she talks too much and wears brown.

Too brown? Actor Emma Thompson in the 2003 film ‘Love Actually’. Source: News Corp Australia

So far, so predictable.

But then I read a piece pouring scorn on that most poignant of scenes where Andrew Lincoln uses cards to tell his best friend’s new bride, played by Keira Knightley, that he loves her.

The writer declared Lincoln’s character a sociopathic creep and Knightley’s a weak-willed would-be cheater.

Without wishing to escalate tensions between the cynics and the romantics (the cynics are already burdened with a shorter life expectancy on account of their hardened hearts and embittered views), I wondered what might’ve happened to the Love Actually couples 12 years on.

Which pairings would’ve endured and which were merely a festive fling?

Which could teach us something about love?

There’s been no sequel but here’s my crack at Love Actually 2 — bear with my amateur psychology and mixing of character and actor names.

Actor Andrew Lincoln with Keira Knightly in scene from film ‘Love Actually’. Source: News Limited

Let’s start with Lincoln and Knightley. If you remember, after the declarative cards and the playing of Silent Night and Keira’s polarising kiss (granted, I would’ve gone cheek), Lincoln says quietly to himself: “Enough, enough now.”

That’s because he’s emotionally intelligent — a man who can communicate his feelings yet knows when ardour is futile.

Far from hanging around waiting for Keira to become disenchanted with her couch slouch carol singer-abusing husband, he’s hiked it to Australia where he surfs, earns a motza making wedding videos and is shacked up with an Elle MacPherson lookalike.

Or me. Meanwhile, Keira and hubby are in counselling because all he wants to do is watch motor racing.

Fail: Actor Keira Knightly in scene from film ‘Love Actually’. In an Angela Mollard sequel her marriage would be on the rocks. Source: News Limited

Language Barrier: British actor Colin Firth’s character in ‘Love Actually’ would have faced serious communication difficulties. Source: AFP

Moving on, Colin Firth, the crime writer, and Aurelia, his Portuguese maid, have split because of the cultural and intellectual gulf. Aurelia is an international author whose Gone Girl-style novels are published in 16 languages while Firth has never found acclaim because, duh, he writes on a hipster typewriter and doesn’t makes copies.

Hugh Grant, 12 years on, is Britain’s most successful post-war Prime Minister, eclipsing even Maggie Thatcher thanks to his excellent delegation to cabinet ministers and dedicated skirt chasing.

His fling with Natalie was short-lived after which she ballooned in weight but went on to win the 46th series of The Biggest Loser.

Appearances on Survivor and Dancing With The Stars further cemented her celebrity and she is currently in a relationship with David Hasselhoff.

Actors Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon in 2003 film 'Love Actually'. Source: Supplied

Widower Liam Neeson married Claudia Schiffer but only after he did 18 months in prison for inciting a terrorist act by encouraging stepson Sam to breach airport security.

Sam, meanwhile, is 23, drumming for Ed Sheeran and being constantly Snapchatted by his schoolboy crush, Joanna who, frankly, is a bit up herself for a girl who can only sing one song. He’s playing her along as she did him.

Friends tell him he looks like the guy on Game of Thrones.

Actors Liam Neeson and Thomas Sangster in 2003 film "Love Actually". Source: News Limited

Body doubles Martin Freeman and Joanne Page tire of simulating sex acts.

They marry and go into the Baptist ministry.

Recently the eldest of their seven home-schooled children uncovered her parents’ dodgy past after finding an R-rated movie in a “Keeping The Faith” case.

Laura Linney’s mentally ill brother has died, leaving her free to track down her former colleague, Karl.

Actor Laura Linney with Rodrigo Santoro in scene from film ‘Love Actually’. Source: News Limited

Facebook pictures suggested he was happily married but it transpires they’ve separated due to his wife’s gambling habit.

Karl and Laura have enjoyed a few dates, during which she leaves her phone in a triple-locked cupboard.

Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman are still married despite the heartbreaking scene where she realises he bought a heart necklace for his sexy assistant.

He loses his editorship due to dwindling circulation and Emma resumes her career as a human rights lawyer where she helps Amal Clooney return the Elgin Marbles to the Greeks.

Trust is re-established, though she never again listens to Joni Mitchell.

German actor Heike Makatsch and Alan Rickman in scene from film ‘Love Actually’. Source: News Limited

Colin, the virile young chap who travelled to America because “the girls like a British accent” suffered chronic fatigue syndrome.

He’s being touted as Piers Morgan’s replacement on a string of talent shows.

January Jones and Kris Marshall in 2003 film ‘Love Actually’. Source: News Corp Australia

Ageing rocker Bill Nighy recently discovered he has a 28-year-old daughter, conceived during a fling with a fan in his drug-addled youth. She so enlivens him he goes on to write a string of new hits. His tubby manager is still secretly in love with him.

Rowan Atkinson, who worked at the jewellery counter in a department store, was found gunned down in a tub of pot pourri in 2010.

There you go — I’ve just saved you a $15 movie ticket in the unlikely event there’s ever a sequel.

By all means use it as a conversation starter come Australia Day. Who in Love Actually found actual love?