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Nathan Valvo, gluten intolerant. Source: Supplied
EVEN though it is the year 2015, some people still struggle to say the following words. But I need to come out of the closet (again).
My name is Nath Valvo and I am Gluten intolerant. There. I said it.
I’ve been GI for a while now and I feel compelled to write the following on behalf of all people who are gluten intolerant.
If you have a friend who is gluten intolerant — this letter is addressed to you.
If you are gluten intolerant yourself — you’re probably reading this sitting on the toilet — hello!
Dear non gluten intolerant human,
Leave your GI friend alone! It’s not their fault they’re awful to go to restaurants with!
It’s not a choice! Go and listen to Lady Gaga’s Born This Way!
We cop it hard we do. We get a lot of flack from you bread-eating folk, but you need to cut us some (gluten free) slack — and here is why:
1. Self-acceptance.
We know we’re annoying. When the doctor delivered the news that we were GI they handed us a brochure entitled “So, you‘re THAT friend.â€
2. Special meals.
If we get invited to a wedding — We have to tick the “special dietary requirements†box on the RSVP card! NO ONE WANTS TO BE THE PERSON WHO TICKS THAT BOX! Your meal comes out first and everyone knows why. It’s unwanted attention.
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What do you eat when you break up with pizza? Source: ThinkStock
3. We can’t eat pizza!
There are no words to describe the pain of this necessary cull.
When you break up with someone, you sit on your couch shoving pizza in your mouth. Can someone please tell us what you eat when you break up with PIZZA?
Yes we can eat gluten intolerant pizza but it tastes like licking stamps.
4. Family Acceptance.
Have double compassion for us ethnic GI peeps too, please!
I told my 89-year-old Italian grandmother that I was gay — she couldn’t care less — I told her I couldn’t eat her pasta — she hasn’t spoken to me for six months!
She’s black-listed me from her will and walks around her house holding rosary beads all day.
No more delicious puttanesca for Nathan ... Source: Supplied
5. Self doubt.
Just like you — Some of us aren’t even sure we even believe in Gluten Intolerance — how can we be something that doesn’t exist?
It’s like saying “Hi, I’m the tooth fairy†or “Hi! I love Nickleback and I’m not a bogan†It’s a very confusing way of life.
6. Poverty.
More and more supermarkets are stacking their shelves with gluten free food but making the prices obscenely high. When’s the last time you had to ask yourself the question “Should I buy some gluten free cereal, or do I have enough money to fly to Bali this year?â€
In closing, next time your GI friend challenges your dinner plans or questions your restaurant choice — don’t get mad — just imagine not being able to eat cookies, cakes, ice cream, potato chips, soy sauce, cereal, beer, gravy and god damn tomato sauce! TOMATO SAUCE. It’s un-Australian. That’s what it is.
Please be kind. We’re suffering enough.
Regards,
Gluten Intolerant
Nath Valvo is a Melbourne based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter or Facebook.