Your kids get graded at school every year, but how do you fare as a parent? Source: News Limited

Remember when teachers had the freedom to say what they thought and parents therefore knew exactly how their child was faring.

Take mine from 1978: “I have found Angela to possess a very bright and cheerful personality, often dominant,” wrote my Year 5 teacher, Mr Clarke. “She has worked well in some areas but needs a consistent performance throughout to match her capibilities (sic).”

My parents could quickly deduce that I was bossy and somewhat lazy, and that my teacher was in dire need of remedial spelling. Unlike the management speak and mass-produced platitudes that fill our kids’ reports — my daughter apparently has “inferential comprehension strategies” which I’m hoping she’ll use to explain her report to me — ours ranged from passive-aggressive to plain rude.

“At least his education hasn’t gone to his head,” a teacher wrote of my friend. Or my metalwork result: “Consistently disinterested.”

I miss those reports so when my kids came home this week with theirs I suggested they might like to write one on my mothering efforts this year.

“Can we use As, Bs and Cs?” asked the youngest.

“No,” I snapped, momentarily misplacing my inner Julie Andrews. “Sweetheart, people always respond better to constructive criticism.”

I drew up a template asking them to assess my mothering on a scale from “outstanding” to “limited” as per their own reports. So, my report card for 2014:

Angela Mollard asked her own daughters Lilibelle and Eliza for a report on her performance this year. Source: News Corp Australia

Discipline

Have I been too tough or not tough enough this year? Any areas of concern?

E (aged 14): TOO TOUGH! Angela is probably a descendant of some officer from WWI — she runs the household like a POW camp. Punishments need to be spiced up a bit (losing my iPhone for “24 hours” is beginning to lose effect).

Effort: Outstanding +++

Achievement: Basic

L (aged 11): You don’t need to explain the same thing five different ways.

Effort: Basic

Achievement: Sound

Cooking

Have meals been interesting? Best and worse? Anything you’d like to see more of?

E: Very good at trying new things this year and while some have failed that’s to be expected. Very much enjoyed tortillas and Syrian chicken, and new lamb and pomegranate dish. Ease off on the prawn and pea pasta.

Effort: High

Achievement: High

L: I HATE CASSEROLE. Did you hear me? I HATE CASSEROLE. Please make prawn and pea pasta more often.

Effort: High

Achievement: Sound

Opinions are divided on the prawn pasta. Source: News Limited

Human Society and its Environment (HSIE)

Have I informed you about news events? Do I tell you too much/too little? Any awkward conversations?

E: TOO MUCH. Especially the guilt trip stories about drugs. Nice that you inform us but, please, not so obviously. And I do not need to know what the CSIRO recommends — I get it!!!!

Effort: Outstanding

Achievement: Sound

L: I only found out at puberty night that the penis actually goes inside the vagina — you should’ve told me. When we have funny conversations at dinner I really like it a lot.

Effort: High

Achievement: High

Delegation of Duties

Do I give you too many jobs? Too few?

E: Good amount of jobs but adults need to understand that making beds is illogical. Also, don’t ask me to “help you” fold the washing then walk away and leave me to do it.

Effort: High

Achievement: High

L: I don’t like it when you tell us to do seven things at once.

Effort: Sound

Achievement: Basic

Trying to impress the hidden dangers of drugs at schoolies earned her a ‘sound achievement’. Source: ABC

Social Skills

How do I deal with conflict? Are we affectionate? What would you like more/less

of?

E: It would be beneficial to remember when you are tired that we didn’t actually do anything wrong. Also, could you stop “borrowing” our pocket money. But, all in all, a solid effort.

Effort: High

Achievement: High

L: I don’t like it when you and E argue and I am definitely going to be a better teenager than her. I love it when you stroke my back and play with my hair.

Effort: Sound

Achievement: Sound

Work Habits

Am I well mannered? Do I share happily and work well in a group? Do I complete set tasks within a time limit?

E: You have a slight problem with sharing, especially if the item in question is a particularly delicious baked good. Family rules seem to apply to us but not you.

Groups??? Ha ha. You are the sole decision-maker.

Effort: Basic

Achievement: Sound

L: I’d like you to stop saying “in a minute”. Also, I want you to stop what you’re

doing when I’m trying to talk to you.

Effort: Outstanding

Achievement: Outstanding

Note to self: Pocket money is not for taking. Source: Supplied

General Comments

E: Angela is a good mother who has made a conscientious effort to withdraw from social networking however still suffers from Twitterholicism. She is very caring and has made the best of this year’s situation. Should continue effort into the New Year.

L: You have been a great mum and I love you to pieces.

Well, there you go. What would your kids say about you? I clearly need to give my full attention, be more consultative and better conceal any leftover lemon tart.

But the last word must go to Miss 11: “You know I would’ve given you an ‘A’,

Mum?”