Rosencrantz: I’m trying to be quiet. I’m tired of being in the minority. No offence, friend, but I want to be in the majority. I want our leader to love me. So, a little quiet, please.

Guildenstern: But I’ve a question for you.

Rosencrantz: (Sighs) OK, out with it.

Guildenstern: I’m sitting on the horns of a dilemma, Rosencrantz. I want to help make our country great again, but how? It oppresses me and depresses me if there’s nothing I can do. Help me.

Rosencrantz: Well, it’s easy. First, you must be quiet. This is the power of silent contemplation. We speak with no voice, and yet with no voice we speak the loudest. Then, victory is ours. That is how you become one with that great mass movement of consciousness – the higher plane of existence, not through sitting on this plain park bench, sturdy and reliable though it has been. You can join me, friend. This is your mantra: take joy in living in the best country in the world. Take joy in dreams, aspirations, a job, an apprenticeship, a business, meeting someone amazing, a family, a home, work, children and retirement after a life lived well and hard.

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Guildenstern: And this will increase my self-worth?

Rosencrantz: Yes, and in so doing the greater wealth of the country.

Guildenstern: But what if I see or hear something that calls me to speak up? There are so many things, social injustice, climate change inaction, greed, bribery, corruption. How can I protest?

Rosencrantz: You don’t. And really, Guildenstern, you must practise and perfect your logic. If it is granted we live in the greatest country in the world, what then could there be to protest at? It would be living in a contradiction in terms. And following that, to protest would be to chip away at the ideal, thus rendering it less than ideal. Do you want that?

Guildenstern: No. So silent I must stay.

Rosencrantz: Yes.

(The voices are rising to a crescendo.)

Guildenstern: What a lovely song, so inspiring.

Rosencrantz: Yes, it is. But I think they lingered too long on one particular note.

Guildenstern: Ah, friend, methinks you do protesteth too much.

(They both laugh.)

Rosencrantz: Watch out, I might name and shame you.

Guildenstern: Haha, you can’t – that would be speaking out.

Warwick McFadyen is an Age desk editor.