Kim: Why does you mouth do that? Like a carp.

Trump: Listen, squirt, I didn’t come all this way to Kuala Lumpur to have you comment on my appearance, which everyone knows and desires! Have you seen my wife?

Kim: I think you’ll find we’re in Singapore. Kuala Lumpur is the place I sadly lost my half-brother Kim Jong-nam last year, you may recall. He preferred Disneyland and the corrupt West to obeying my wishes. A small application of VX nerve agent on the wandering hands of two pretty girls, and he offered up his final breath, poor dear. I too have a wife, Mr Donald. Very obedient. Would you care for a cup of relaxing tea, prepared by my own hands?

Trump: Not right now. Or any time. So when are you getting rid of your nukes, Kimbo? They irritate me.

Kim: A device for a device, I would suggest, Mr President. I give you one. You give me one.

Trump: Fat chance, bubba.

Kim: A schoolchild once had the poor judgment to mention fat in my presence. The child’s village no longer exists. Why do you wear your necktie to your knees?

Trump: Where do you get your spectacles made? Four-eyes Discounts?

Kim: My only wish is for peace and the unification of my peninsula. For this, I could expect an easing of your sanctions against my little people, and for you to use your power in the United Nations to reduce the world’s cruel embargo which has seen villagers reduced to eating grass.

Trump: Yeah, well, bad timing, little guy. I’ve got a nice trade war going with most of the world, and no one’s gonna be impressed if I give you commies a special leave pass right now. And I’m not on speaking terms with the One World UN. Maybe if you’d order a shipload or two of our good farmers’ corn and a few Harleys we could get some kinda deal going.

Kim: We are short of the ability to pay for corn and motorcycles right now.

Trump: Pity. (Stands, unsteadily). Now I’ve got a plane to catch, so, how about a handshake for the cameras, pretend everything’s great?

Kim: I was about to suggest that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has some very expansive areas suitable for golf courses. Trump Resorts, I believe you call them?

Trump: (Sits back down abruptly). Why didn't you say? And a site in your capital, waddyacallit, Pongyang, for a tower?

Kim: A Trump Tower would be most suited to a new, open Korean economy.

Trump: Beautiful. And you could use some of your left-over nukes to help us dig the foundations real quick and cheap. I knew I was gonna like you, Kimbo. Now where’s a pen and paper? We’ll get the contracts under way. And draft a press release. Yeah. Historic breakthrough. Peace in our time. Good line, huh? I thought of that. Part of my genius.