Wedding dress shopping is the worst.

And that has everything to do with designers of late.

Because something is seriously wrong with modern wedding dresses. They’ve gone from classy, elegant designs to something that’s taking far too much inspiration from a Hollywood red carpet.

Before I started looking for THE dress, all I heard was things like “You’ll know as soon as you put it on”.

Well, whoever thought a bride would want some of today’s designs needs to get another job.

Because wedding dress shopping is hell and I have the pictures to prove it.

We’ve all seen the perfect wedding dress ‘moment’ in every romantic comedy ever made. You walk out of the dressing room and instantly tears roll down your Mum’s face. She nods, in silence. You exchange the knowing look, catch yourself in the mirror and just like Monica in Friends you squeal “I’m getting married!”

My first experience at wedding dress shopping didn’t exactly go like that — I was uttering “this is supposed to be fun” and “why aren’t you smiling?” to my poor Mum who just had a look of shock on her face every time I appeared from behind the curtain. She cried, only because she wanted to go home.

One dress looked more like what you’d put on AFTER the wedding (if you know what I mean), rather than what you’d walk down the aisle in. Each bride has earnt the right to wear whatever makes her comfortable but for me — a giant panel of a dress that’s MISSING makes me worried there could be a breeze that day and Nanna will see what I had for breakfast.

What’s more worrying — the sales assistant thought it looked awesome. “You have the figure to pull that off” she says “this is for bold brides like yourself, it makes a statement”.

Honey, if that statement is “Wanna see my butt?” then we’re on the same page.

Don’t even get me started on the price tags — everyone I picked up had four figures on it. You want to buy something you love but you know you’ll wear it for one day only! I need a beautiful piece but I don’t want to remortgage my apartment to afford it.

The wedding is not about the dress — I get it.

But when Meghan Markle walked down the aisle what was the main topic of convo (apart from the vivacious Reverend). HER. DRESS.

I’m losing sleep over it and not looking forward to continuing the search.

The trying on process is a strict one — no makeup, no waffling, no exact sizes. You look like you’ve come from the gym when you’re trying the dresses on because they’ve baby wiped your face to oblivion. You want to ask your posse questions — ‘is this OK? What do you think?’ But you’re on a tight schedule with your assigned sales assistant. They are whipping those puffy meringues on and off you like you’re in a musical and have to go on stage in 15 seconds.

Elaborate meringues might I add that actually on me stopped me from being able to sit, walk or dance.

I fear I’ll walk down the aisle and the first thing my husband to be will say is “what are you wearing?”

I want to say YES to the dress. I’ve seen the show — it works a treat for those chicks.

All I’ve said is “I look like a MESS in this dress” which sounds similar … but not the lifetime fashion moment I was looking for.

Kristen Henry hosts the Breakfast show on Canberra’s MIX 106.3. Follow her adventures at channelk.com.au

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