Updated December 23, 2017 09:56:31

Oh Christmas.

The time when we spend half our year's savings buying presents for distant relatives we don't really like, that they won't really like, as a kind of "entry fee" to Christmas lunch, where we can finally find pure happiness shovelling ham into our mouths for four hours straight, while dodging Aunt Katherine's judgmental stare.

Enough of this Christmas cheer, let's be honest with ourselves: Christmas can be a bit of a disaster at the best of times.

Throw in exploding puddings, gifts gone wrong, turkey-stealing dogs and Christmas trees bursting into flames and you've got some fully-fledged Christmas disasters.

We asked for your best Chrimbo catastrophes, and you didn't disappoint. Here's a few of our favourites.

This would've been shocking to bee-hold

One Christmas when I was a teenager we went to my extended family's house for Christmas. When we got home and were standing at the front door, we heard a buzzing noise. "Must be bees," I said jokingly.

We opened the door and the whole house was filled with bees. Bees in the front room. Bees in the fireplace. Bees flying out the door trying to sting us. We had an enormous beehive in the front yard that none of us had noticed. We couldn't get an exterminator to come and kill the enormous swarm because it was Christmas.

Eventually Mum and Dad decided to wrap themselves in any material they could possibly find and "smoke" them out. Mum lit a fire and they went out the front door, back into their hive. Dad, slightly mad because of all the bees, knocked the hive off the tree and drove over it again and again with the car. Both of them were very stung, but the bees never came back. — Tab

Perhaps it's time to rethink candles at Christmas

German tradition means we put candles on the Christmas tree instead of fairy lights. One year the tree caught on fire, all the baubles started exploding and the kids had to evacuate the house. It was fun. — Alex

Mum was leaning over the nativity scene with candles lit on either side while distributing presents, then her hair caught on fire. She clapped it out in a heartbeat as if applauding Meryl Streep's latest Oscars speech. — Lachlan

Then again, candles gave us this Christmas miracle

Particularly dry summer, outdoor table in Warrandyte … set the table alight with a serviette and candle (15 years old and bored). Distant relative who was visiting from the UK and couldn't walk without a cane sprinted to the back of the garden while other relatives poured alcohol on it to put it out. — Emma

You kept the hospitals busy

I managed to get my finger caught in a stick blender whipping cream for boxing day breakfast treats … hello, orthopaedic microsurgery and a kitchen painted in my blood. — Kaz

Particularly when Santa brought bikes

I fractured my brother's skull when I crashed into his bike with my bike. We spent Christmas Day at Prince Henry Hospital. — Sue

My brother got a new bike, rode down the driveway and hit a car. He was fine but it scared the crap out of my Mum and they had to pay for the damage to the car! — Deenita

Not even baby Jesus leaves Christmas unscathed

I was helping the Sacristan set up the crib in St Patricks Cathedral, about 25 years ago. I was carrying the life-sized, very heritage plaster baby Jesus, still wrapped in a packing blanket. Guess what? Somehow it fell on the tile floor and smashed into a million pieces. My God, was I tortured. Good thing they had a spare one, it's not Christmas without a baby Jesus. — Indi

Baby Jesus isn't the only guy celebrating his birthday

My Christmas disaster was being born. — Liam

This family deserve a medal for pudding up with this one

I'll always remember the time when the tinned Christmas pudding was put on the flame of the stove and the entire family left the room, chatting and laughing amongst themselves, until KA-FRICKIN-BOOM! The tin explodes and pudding hits the rangehood, ceiling, walls and floor. There was pudding everywhere. The sound woke those having their Christmas afternoon slumber, and possibly the neighbours too. Merry Christmas everybody — keep an eye on your pudding! — Cindy

Speaking of food, we had a lot of stomach bug stories

In 1996, our family were supposed to host Christmas — until we got gastro on Christmas Day! One sister threw up after opening up presents, me and another sister retreated to our rooms feeling sick so another Aunt had to host at the last minute. — Penny

Salmonella wasn't the only thing ruining Christmas lunch

Mum asked me to clean the kitchen just before going out to family lunch. Turns out the jug of brown sludge I poured down the sink was the product of an arduous, five-hour long, Jaimie Oliver-inspired recipe for gravy. I was never forgiven. — Flynn

I'll never forget the year my Mum had lovingly slaved away preparing a banquet Christmas lunch. The dining table with laden with food. My Dad, with great ceremony, popped open a bottle of bubbly; the cork flew up to the ceiling and with pinpoint accuracy shattered the fluorescent light directly above the dining table. The entire meal was showered in powdered glass. I'll never forget the look on my Dad's face … or my Mum's! — Lyn

Once, the Christmas lunch had a mind of its own

My Christmas turned to disaster when the fowl meant for the celebration ran away! — Madu

Alcohol is certainly a recipe for Christmas disasters

One year my mum had two small glasses of rum and coke as pre-dinner drinks and promptly fell asleep. We didn't have Christmas lunch that year! — Anonymous

I wished and wished for a white Christmas. Then on Christmas day a huge storm came and I was cheering loudly at the spectacle as my relatives cars were being pelted with hail … I'd had too much eggnog. — Haylie

Presents are a minefield when opened publicly

My parents-in-law are avid bushwalkers and love the outdoors. One Christmas my father-in-law gave his wife a beautiful silver pendant necklace. She unwrapped it in front of the whole family. The pendant was a very large marijuana leaf. Everybody knew exactly what it was except my two parents-in-law. They quickly got the picture after we could all no longer hold in our stifled laughter. — Emma

Fine China is the biggest Christmas casualty

One Christmas Eve, my father was teasing my older sister by running around after her with a hair brush (she hated having her hair brushed). We watched in horror as they ran into the kitchen hutch, knocking it down and breaking all of my mothers good china. — Veronique

But the true villain who stole Christmas was not the Grinch, but your dogs.

From stealing presents…

One Christmas breakfast our dog ate all the chocolates wrapped as gifts before they could be opened. We spent Christmas Day at the emergency hospital having her treated for poisoning. — Siobhan

One morning, a couple days before Xmas, the dog was curled up in the back corner of the yard. A bit worried about him I went to see if he was OK. As I approached, the growling and snarling started and I could see this mound of dirt behind the dog. It took a while to get him away from the mound but a bit of digging revealed a 4-5kg half defrosted leg of pork. We never found out where he got it from but whoever it belonged to probably still wonders what happened to that leg of pork they left out defrosting all those years ago. — Garry

To devouring Christmas lunch…

We went to visit my aunt for Christmas one year and my dad brought a big leg of Christmas ham. Ham is his favourite thing about the whole Christmas shebang. There was no room in the fridge so my aunt asked Dad to put it in a fridge on the verandah. A few hours later, Dad went to retrieve the ham and, to his horror, found nothing but the leg bone and a few bits of rind. Dad has never been able to think of Christmas ham or Rhodesian Ridgebacks the same way since. — Amy

Your pups weren't fussy with their food

Our young dog ate the old fashioned glass balls off the Christmas tree. Vet bill meant all we had was a sausage sizzle for Christmas dinner. — Helen

To be fair, we can't solely blame dogs

We used to have a real tree until the cat started eating the pine needles and puking everywhere. After two Christmases of this, and many comments from the vet about our strange cat, we now have a fake tree. — Lisa

But it was a dog who gave us this actual Christmas disaster

One family Christmas my uncle brought his two Great Danes. They arrived and promptly turned our cat into a Christmas bon-bon. 20 witnesses, some required counselling. — Tim

Our hearts go out to anyone who's experienced a real Christmas disaster

Our worst Christmas was when my sister's car was stolen — Tamzen

When the bushfire went through town on Christmas day, we had to evacuate but got stuck because there's only two roads in and out and both were shut because of the fire. — Kazan

So here's hoping your Christmas disasters are limited to exploding puddings and the occasional stolen ham.

Topics: christmas, family, comedy-humour, human-interest, australia

First posted December 23, 2017 06:08:26