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As Lorde sang, "We'll never be Royals." But as Meghan Markle replied to Lorde this week, "Speak for yourself, loser."
Yes, a Royal engagement is always a joyous occasion, and not just for the opportunity to slap down uppity Kiwi singers. But if the ascent of Ms Markle has proven definitively how wrong Lorde was, there is also something disquieting about the fact an American is marrying into the Royal family.
After all, are they not our Royals?
We remain a constitutional monarchy, so Prince Harry is, in a real and legal sense, Prince Harry of Australia as well as Prince Harry of Wales.
And yet the British Royal Family contains no Australian representatives, while it will shortly welcome an envoy of the United States, which isn't even part of the Commonwealth.
Is it right? Is it fair that America, which made it very clear some time ago it wanted no part of the monarchy, be allowed to infiltrate the Buckingham circle, while we Australians, who have always remained the most loyal of subjects, are left shivering in the cold outside?
The fact is, it's our own fault. We got complacent.
Remember when Mary Donaldson became the Crown Princess of Denmark, and we all rejoiced at this evidence that Australians were capable of being important? It was terribly exciting to know that an Australian was at the top of Danish society, and by extension all Australians had a little bit of Danish Blue in them.
It was wonderful that Australian girls everywhere could genuinely aspire to emulate Mary by meeting a man in a bar.
But we rested on our laurels. We assumed that now Australia had entered the Royal game, we would be regular players.
Like a footballer who wins a premiership in his first year and assumes it'll be non-stop grand finals from here on, we let ourselves relax. And while we were relaxing, Meghan Markle slipped under our guard and took Harry away.
There is no need for despair, however. Rather, let us allow the Harry-Meghan union to act as both rebuke and shining example, and resolve as a nation to push forward with Operation Royal Make. The young singletons of Australia need to take this opportunity to pull up their socks and make a serious effort to achieve something actually worthwhile in life.
Plenty of Royal fish in the sea
First, let us select our targets.
The most obvious choice is Prince George of Cambridge, son of William and Kate. As third in line to the throne, he's an even better candidate than Harry, who is only fifth.
The only drawback to attempting to get a proposal out of George is that he is currently 4 years old.
This means aspiring Aussie princesses might need to play the long game to an extent. But on the upside, it means plenty of time to plan. And ambitious parents have a great chance to move their families to London and try to get their daughters into the same kindergarten as George.
Similar plans could be made for George's sister, Princess Charlotte, but she is only two and likewise not yet on the lookout for a consort.
In fact, there are myriad peripheral Royals who probably won't make you a monarch, but could still usher you into a lifetime of unimaginable luxury and decadent privilege.
Take Princess Beatrice, a bright young thing who combines the vivacious energy of her mother, Fergie, with the sturdy teeth of her father, Prince Andrew.
Or her sister, Eugenie, who works at an art gallery but seems nice nevertheless.
Or hell, why not Prince Andrew himself? At the age of 57, he's kept himself in reasonably good shape, and marrying an older man dovetails pretty neatly with the desires of your average Royal-hunter.
Then there's Lady Louise Windsor, daughter of Prince Edward, who will be 18 in four years and therefore necessitates much less waiting around for nuptials than William's kids.
Or her brother, James, Viscount Severn, who is one of Europe's most eligible 9-year-old viscounts.
Any one of these are prime targets for the affections of a plucky Aussie. And you can add to them the names Lady Margarita Armstrong-Jones, Viscount Linley, Albert Windsor, Eloise and Estella Taylor, Princess Alexandra, and many more.
The fact is, points of entry to the British Royal family are as numerous as roast swan dinners at Balmoral, so there's no excuse for patriotic Australians to shirk their duty.
Try X-Factor, or Britain's Got talent
So just how do you snare a Royal?
It often comes down to personal magnetism, which certainly gives us an advantage, as Australians are genetically predisposed to be arousing. But there's always groundwork to do if you want to put yourself in the right position.
First, it's advisable to move to England. Sure, the Royals travel from time to time, but you're not playing the percentages if you're waiting for an Olympics or Rugby World Cup or bridge opening to make your approach. You'll definitely increase your chances if you're there at Ground Zero, walking past the Palace on your way to work, getting temp work as a cocktail waitress at Ascot and so forth.
Second, it's really going to boost your odds if you can attain some kind of fame. Look at Meghan Markle: she was able to catch Harry's eye because she had risen to prominence in the show Suits. Suits worked like a charm for her, so imagine how much easier it will be to snag a prince or princess if you can get a starring role on a show that people actually watch.
Once in England, you should immediately try to get yourself an agent and start doing audition rounds.
Don't be discouraged if you don't get anything big right away: even a role as a corpse on Midsomer Murders could easily lead to Westminster Abbey in the long run.
Not that acting is the only route to fame: you could also try The X Factor or Britain's Got Talent; try to be selected for the England rugby team (which worked for Mike Tindall, now husband of Princess Anne's daughter, Zara); or commit a series of flamboyantly violent crimes.
Third, learn what Royals find attractive. The spousal selections of Princes William and Harry provide some clues: they seem to be naturally attracted to beautiful young women. So if you are a beautiful young woman, you've definitely got a headstart. If you're a beautiful young man, you'll probably do well too.
But if you've not entirely managed to cancel all appointments at the Ugly Salon, it doesn't mean you're out of the running. You just need to share common interests with the royal you're pursuing. Every Royal is different, of course, but on the other hand, they're Royals, so they're not that different.
Be Australian, very Australian
Good hobbies to develop to cement a bond with a prince or princess include: horse breeding, fox hunting, bird shooting, poverty ignoring, racial insensitivity, contract bridge, grieving the fall of an empire, and hats.
Fourthly, and perhaps most importantly, play to your strengths.
Do you think Meghan Markle downplayed her background when reeling in Harry? Of course not! She stressed the glitz and glamour of her Hollywood lifestyle, the winning self-confidence and bubbly personality that is every American's birthright. She told him she could probably get him tickets to Hamilton.
Likewise, any Australian who wants to marry into the divine right of kings must put their most Aussie foot forward.
Wow your prospective Royal spouse with tales of the outback. Demonstrate your ability to subdue large reptiles and laugh in the face of spiders. Dazzle them with your achingly snobbish attitude to coffee. Win their heart with your reckless approach to sunburn.
Be as Australian as possible, so they realise that if they turn you down in favour of some boring old European aristocrat or Formula One driver, they will be missing out on a true adventure.
And finally, be persistent. Royals have a lot of demands on their time, so you can't give up the first time they politely shake your hand and move on to the next in line. Keep following them. Never let them out of your sight. Plan your days around their schedule. Learn their daily routine. Look through their rubbish.
If our young Australians can put this advice into practice, and show real initiative and tenacity in chasing their dreams, we should have a royal Aussie in the next couple of years — if not two or three.
And then all of us can sleep soundly at night, secure in the knowledge that once again, our country matters.
Ben Pobjie is a writer, satirist and comedian.
Topics: royal-and-imperial-matters, television, australia, united-kingdom, united-states, denmark
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