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I remember the feeling like it was yesterday: the tingling hands, the breathlessness, the narrowing of my vision and the overwhelming desire to faint, throw up, or both.
The heat in the news studio felt like it leapt to 50 degrees Celsius. The words on the autocue suddenly didn't make sense.
It was all I could do to grip onto the news desk and try and make sense of the jumble of letters in front of me.
I didn't know what was happening, but it was terrifying. There was nothing I could do to stop it and nowhere I could go to escape.
It was my first, of many, panic attacks on live television.
I'd been a television reporter since I was 22 and being on camera was second nature to me.
I'd always enjoyed the adrenaline rush that came with live reporting and presenting and generally felt calm and authentic through the pressures of on-air broadcasting.
So why, after 20 years in the business, was that adrenaline now working against me, sending normal on-air jitters spiralling into something much more sinister?
'Outing myself' with remarkable results
Recently, I decided to make the ultimate public statement about my condition — through a widely read article in the local press.
Little did I expect the avalanche of support that article would bring.
Suddenly my inbox was filled with overwhelming messages of support from friends and colleagues. Strangers stopped me in public to thank me for "speaking about the unspeakable".
I felt I had smashed a taboo and given others permission to share their stories.
Some of my friends wrote of their personal experiences:
"I get anxiety something fierce (in that very physical way you describe) and I always worry it will compromise any chance I have of doing what you do one day."
"I went on medication in my early 20s for anxiety and at the time I felt so defeated and confused about it."
"Whenever these experiences are shared and made normal, the illogical stigma about mental illness will decline."
I have a mental illness: Should I tell my boss?
Such is the stigma around mental health, that many of us just won't speak out for fear of harming our career, or our personal relationships.
What will my boss and colleagues think of me? Will it affect my career prospects? Will I be typecast as "unreliable"?
In my case, news reporting is often a competitive industry, where any sign of vulnerability can be misconstrued as weakness.
To my enormous relief, my boss and senior colleagues not only supported me, many shared their own personal and family experiences of anxiety disorders.
Far from being alone with my condition, I now felt part of a secret society that suffered.
But if this disorder was so pervasive, why weren't we talking about it?
Anxiety is like a personal hell
Like so many others who experience anxiety symptoms and panic attacks I had felt like it was a very personal hell and one that I was unable to share with others.
I left the studio on the night of my first panic attack confused and terrified about what had just happened, too embarrassed to open up to my colleagues or family.
But as the months went on, the symptoms and attacks became more frequent — to the point where I was dreading performing the job that I'd loved for so long.
Presenting certain news items would tip me over the edge, particularly if they involved trauma, terrorism, and the suffering of children.
Any parent of young children will find some stories harder to watch than others, but I didn't have the luxury of being able to leave the room to make a cup of tea.
As I sat under the glare of studio lights, there was no escape.
Opening up and finding help
Advice for my younger self:
- Reach out. Don't be too proud to ask for help. Anxiety disorders are medical conditions that can be managed.
- Don't let people tell you anxiety is "all in your head". It's real, it's physical and it can be debilitating if you don't address it.
- Don't be too hard on yourself. No-one is watching and judging you nearly as harshly as yourself!
- You still have worth. With a mental illness you can still be a productive employee, loving partner and parent, and dependable friend.
- Establish a sympathetic network around you. Like losing weight, or training for a marathon, managing anxiety is best done with a group of supportive friends.
- You are not alone. If only you knew how many of your friends, family and work colleagues are privately dealing with the same issues.
After a period of years, panic attacks began to seriously affect my ability to do my job, my condition had deteriorated to the point of depression.
I had always been an optimistic person. I loved the outdoors, I loved my hobbies, but when nothing seemed to bring me joy, I knew I needed help.
That began with an honest chat with my GP.
Her most important message to me: I wasn't going mad — anxiety is surprisingly common and manageable.
Doctors and researchers have lots of theories about why we're increasingly falling victim, including genetic predisposition, life trauma and triggers in the workplace. Or in my case, all three.
Ultimately a combination of medication, counselling and honesty about my condition helped relieve a majority of my symptoms. And I learned how mindfulness meditation and exercise can provide a valuable emotional and physical outlet for stress.
Can anxiety be a good thing?
Coming to terms with my anxiety has certainly at times been a battle, but I think it's changed me for the better.
Any brush with mental illness will naturally make you more empathetic to others' personal struggles.
And on that score, I like to think that's made me a better reporter — one who can better understand the vagaries of the human condition.
If my experiences have taught me anything it's that we all need to be just a bit nicer to each other.
After all, you never know what personal hell your friends and colleagues may be suffering.
If you or anyone you know needs help contact your family doctor or a specialist advice services like Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Mental Health Australia, Headspace, or the Black Dog Institute.
Topics: anxiety, health, human-interest, canberra-2600, act, australia