Louise Bourchier, a sex educator from Auckland, New Zealand, has been leading workshops and cultivating positive, informed communities around sex education for seven years.

INSIDER attended a workshop called “Pleasure Upgrade” about how to get what you want in bed at The Pleasure Chest, a sex shop on NYC’s Upper East Side.

Here are three things you need to know to have better sex.

There’s no such thing as “signature moves” that work for everyone.

Bourchier likened sex to a musical jam session — a process-driven pursuit that entails trying out different approaches, techniques, and styles, and feeling out what feels right. What’s pleasurable to one person might be mediocre to another, and while there are certainly basic anatomical facts and helpful hints to consider, there’s no magic manoeuvre that works for everyone every time.

It’s important to talk about sex more.

It’s much easier to express what you want when you have the words to talk about it. But what if even uttering the necessary words makes you blush and stumble over syllables? Bourchier encouraged developing a comfort level with the lingo so that when more sensitive conversations do come up, it’s not the first time you’ve ever said the word “clitoris.” Something as simple as saying the squirm-inducing words in front of the mirror, or talking about sex with friends, can help alleviate some of that hesitancy.

Technique + communication = great sex.

Technique and communication are the key to great sex.

It’s important to have good techniques and an understanding of anatomy — like how to spot the clitoris — but communication is the second half of the equation. Bourchier emphasised that both elements — knowledge and how it’s articulated — are important in building and sustaining a satisfying sex life.

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