Please don’t hurt me, Australia

And the sun is quite hot.

Are you gonna pick the right winner,

Or not?

I hope you’re ready for strings, brass, flashbacks, candles, monkeys, gratuitous shots of Indonesia, rhyming, and the phrase “I’ve got a big decision to make”, because we made it to the finale of The Bachelor 2016! I’m so proud of us.

I should warn you first that, due to the robust secrecy surrounding this episode, I didn’t have any still images available to illustrate this recap. It’s okay though, I’ve found a bit of a work-around and I’m confident you won’t even notice the difference.

Right! We’re still in Bali, and Nikki and Alex are still in tropical-appropriate clothing, reminiscing about their journeys and things. Hi, Nikki and Alex.

Hello (Artist’s impression)Source:Supplied

Osher, resplendent in a fossilized whalebone suit and 1920s Vaudeville stage make-up, talks us through the world’s longest reality television introduction, ably assisted by Nikki’s voice-over talking about love, Alex’s voice-over talking about her son, Richie’s voice-over talking about a big decision he has to make, and loads of clips of people pashing.

So, so much pashing.

Richie’s mum Kate and sister Alana have flown in from Perth to sit on some couches near Richie, which is nice.

Kate has a can-I-speak-to-the-manager haircut and an endearingly judgemental eye.

She’s the kind of woman who calls Richie ‘Richard’, and who you suspect is using quite a lot of restraint whenever she doesn’t add “you idiot” to the end of a sentence. Also Alana is there.

Alex is first to meet the family, and is nervous to tell them that she has a son. Because, you guys, Alex has a son. She relaxes herself by using as many vowels as possible in her greeting, gushing “How aaaaare yoooouuuuu? Nice to meeeeeeet yooooouuuuu!” and pulling out forty-five of her most delighted faces.

“Richie just adores you guys so much” she continues, because she knows how much mothers love hearing from strangers how their sons feel about them.

Kate doesn’t seem too sure about Alex, so Alex diverts her attention by fessing up about having a son. Because, you guys, Alex has a son.

Kate is not totally and completely on board with the fact that Alex has a son.

We are not amused, you idiot (Artist’s impression)Source:Supplied

It’s okay, Kate. We’re pretty sure Richie loves Nikki instead. It’s fine, really. Nothing to worry about.

“It was so nice to meeeeet yoooouuuuuuu!” farewells Alex, skipping off to prepare her facial expressions for the next time she’s on camera.

Next it’s Nikki’s turn, and she nervously hopes that Richie’s mother and sister will like her, unaware that it’s medically impossible not to.

She needn’t worry – everybody anywhere near a couch warms to her instantly, and even when Kate warns that she’s “Miss Chill, turning into Miss Grill” (which means she’s either going to ask some tough questions or yay, burger party), she beams at Nikki like she’s in love with her herself.

Nobody’s parent has ever loved their son’s girlfriend more than Kate loves Nikki. It’s properly, genuinely delightful.

Welcome to the family, you idiot.Source:Supplied

Once Nikki gambols off into the distance, the Richie family pretend the obvious choice isn’t obvious.

“It’s a big decision” says Kate.

“It’s a big decision” says Richie.

“It’s a big decision” says Alana.

“Hey yeah, you’re still here”, say Richie and Kate.

It’s time for the final dates of the series, because Richie has a big decision to make.

First, he takes Nikki for a pash in a helicopter which lands in the middle of a rice paddy, because lord knows if we’re going to do anything in these last two episodes it’s ruin as many rice paddies as possible.

They wander into a temple full of monkeys, where Richie hands Nikki a bag of nuts and tells her that monkeys have the strongest grip of any animal, easily the sexiest thing that has happened in this series so far.

They talk about feelings like people in love do.

They have a big pash outside the monkey temple like people in love outside monkey temples do.

They change outfits, find a couch, gaze into each other’s eyes and stay quiet while their voice-overs are playing like well-edited people in love do.

It’s lovely.

Love is so nice when it works out, huh.Source:Supplied

Next is Alex’s turn, and she approaches Richie’s big boat in her little boat while Richie’s voice-over reminds us that he has a big decision to make.

They sip champagne on an admittedly gorgeous yacht and Alex wants to have a serious talk about the “nitty gritty” of what having a child is like. Because. You guys. Alex has a son.

They strip off and cavort in the sea like two scripted horny teenagers, but Alex’s voice-over tells us that she’s nervous about wanting to tell Richie that she loves him.

They change clothes and sit on a couch.

They chat about when they first met, when Alex read him an astoundingly terrible poem she’d written about the man she wanted to meet.

Alex stares lovingly at Richie.

Well, she tilts her head at a 45-degree angle and looks at his mouth a lot, but that’s almost the same. It doesn’t have the carefree, natural easiness that say, a chat between Richie and Nikki does, but Alex finds her own way to make the whole thing seem spontaneous, non-scripted, and effortlessly breezy.

She reads him the effing poem again.

The only thing that could make this moment perfect would be if Eliza emerged from behind a palm tree and sang her “Look at yoooouuu” song again.

No such luck.

“That’s the cutest” says Richie.

“I love you” says Alex.

They pash in their own special style, by swallowing each other’s heads whole like a golf ball in quicksand.

We’ve been watching this for months. Let’s get to the pointy bit.

The bit where Richie has a big decision to make.

We all know that to get there, we have to sit through a tortoise-speed montage of Dyson hairdryers, make-up application, man-nipples being slowly covered by the crispest of shirts, and endless, endless distance-focussed wanton horizon-gazes.

We sit in our loungerooms, comforted that true love will take its glorious, natural, squelchy course.

We marvel at the plungingness of Nikki’s red dress, we make not-real-sure-about-it faces at Alex’s extremely tizzy dress, and remain one hundred percent indifferent to Richie’s pale blue suit.

Osher meets Richie just upstairs from a peculiar petal-ringed rectangle and asks him if he’s in love.

“I am, Osh” says Richie, and Australia smiles, comforted. Of course he is. Who wouldn’t be?

The first of two cars arrives, and a foot we traditionally associate with the loser appears. We know we have to sit through an ad break now. It’s fine.

We’re reassured that the meandering stream of purest desire has carried us to this point.

We’ll wait.

A red dress cascades around the protruding foot.

“UM, WHAT” says Australia.

It’s fine, it’s fine. They’re doing it a little different this year I guess, those scallywags.

Nikki, bursting with emotion and joy, has a quick talk to Osher before adorably descending towards Richie in his petal oblong.

Richie talks about when they met, how they’ve grown, how easy their lives would be together, how loyal and trustworthy Nikki would be.

Then, just like the most believable part of Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom, Richie reaches into Nikki’s chest and pulls out her heart.

“I really hope you understand” he says, “But my heart is with Alex”.

YOU WHAT NOWSource:Supplied

Nikki, rejected and devastated, is so gracious and elegant and incredible in defeat, wishing Richie well and saying “I thought what we had was special, but what you have with Alex must top all of that”.

She travels away from the rectangle of dead flowers and treachery, confident in two things: that her family back home will look after her, and that over a million Australians now want to punch Richie in the gonads.

Bye, Nikki. We’ll miss you because you are a perfect human, and because we really want you to invite us ‘round for a drink with Snowy.

UGH, now we have to sit through the next bit.

Alex, in a dress appliqued by a Year 9 home science class in the front and cut down to the bum-crack in the back, steps out of a car full of lies.

WHATEVER (Artist’s Impression)Source:Supplied

She talks to Osher, she talks to Richie, Richie says he loves her and gives her a ring to symbolise his betrayal of an entire nation, blah blah blah.

I don’t even care anymore (Artist’s Impression)Source:Supplied

“That woman is absolutely perfect and she’s now part of my life”, says Richie, and the new I guess “couple” pash a LOT and chat a bit about Alex’s son, Elijah. Because. You Guys.

ALEX HAS A SON.

So that’s it. Except for one thing. Where IS Alex’s son? Surely she didn’t just make him up by finding pictures of a little kid on the internet? Elijah, what do you think about Mummy’s result?

YesssssssssssSource:Supplied

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely or check out her Bachelor podcast.