Olena does NOT like camping (or being useful while camping).

And rivers are damp;

Bachelor Richie,

Is suddenly camp.

Here we are, at the pointiest of ends, with the number of girls dwindling to that countable by triple amputees. At this end it is truly about love, except we don’t call it love. We call it “becoming emotionally invested”, as one might with a particularly good episode of Law & Order SVU, or an unusually large Tim Tam.

We’re lounging in the Mansion That Does Not Allow Alone Time, when a bespectacled Nikki predicts that a group date at this point could be very emotional. Right on cue, Osher arrives and announces that all five girls will be going on a group date. Except he doesn’t call it a group date. He calls it “an adventure”.

An adventure in sitting on the bonnet and saying “ha ha”.Source:Channel 10

They’re going camping, a fact that reminds us there are two kinds of people: Those like Rachael, who exclaims “I love camping!” and those like Olena, who blurts with horror, “What? No toilet?!”. Yes, loves. It’s time for our urban princesses to become accustomed to the ol’ dig n’ squat.

They stop off for a basket full of product placement supplies and then head bush, the spectre of Top 4 and home visits dancing in their peripheral vision. They arrive at an area that would be generously described as “a clearing”, and Olena starts writing her travel brochure for the Great Australian Bush.

“This is horrible”, she says. “We’re stuck in the freakin’ bush”.

Ladies, this part is both the toilet AND the dining table.Source:Channel 10

Olena names the brochure’s native flora section “What’s that spiky sh*t”, and stands aside while the others set up the campsite. Admittedly there is a disturbing lack of couches and candles, so I’m not sure how romance could possibly blossom out here among all these blossoms.

“Ladies, can I get you to help me with my tent for a sec?”, asks Richie, saving romance with possibly the world’s sexiest euphemism. Once everything’s erected, he tells us he’s going to try to snatch moments with the girls individually to help him get closer to Richie’s Big Decision.

He takes Rachael hunting for fuel for his fire, for example.

“If it’s made of wood, Rach, grab it!” he instructs, continuing with the unfettered sexy talk.

Get the chopper, that’s a whopper.Source:Channel 10

Richie asks Rachael what her family’s like, and she says her mum will love him, and her dad will want to date him. Brunette families are weird.

When night falls, the campfire is lit, beers are cracked, and the Knitted Headwear Expo gets underway.

Clark Kent transforms into Super-Comfy.Source:Channel 10

Alex complains that Rachael is seeking too much attention in this competition to seek as much attention as possible.

“She’s definitely pulled the attention card” she says, as the pot on the campfire accuses the kettle of things.

Happily for her, Richie’s second pull-em’-aside mini-date, located in the prime seduction zone of leaning against the truck, is with Alex. Because it may not have been sufficiently addressed in the twelve preceding episodes, they chat about her son, and Richie also comments on how natural Alex always seems.

That’s SO funny, I rehearsed this face for EXACTLY this situation.Source:Channel 10

Nikki taints the otherwise spotless reputation of a game of Never Have I Ever by using it to snaffle a private chat with Richie, and improvises with the lack of candles and couches by sitting on a log by lantern-light. Their conversation is proper natural, easy, warm and adorable.

Ooh, mind me pompoms.Source:Channel 10

Morning comes, with that familiar bush birdsong that goes “I’m so tired, ay”, and with Olena not helping at all with making a damper, bacon and beans breakfast. As she has so much free time, Richie takes her to a different log for a chat.

While the remaining girls back at camp discuss the premise that enjoying camping can mean the difference between marriage and eternal spinsterhood, Olena hints to Richie in the soft morning light that she hates camping, hates showing emotion, and is fairly sure her family will hate him. A magpie chortles playfully across the valley.

We need something to break the drama, so lucky for us Richie has planned some Activities. With Rachael, Faith and Nikki he finds the kind of kayaks that naturally occur in the wild and engages them in a super-competitive game of kayak polo, sponsored by GoPro cameras and near leg amputations.

He whisks Faith off afterwards to another naturally-occurring phenomenon: the native makeshift wagon-wheel couch, for her turn chatting. Richie wants to know if there’s more to Faith than just giggles, and discovers that there’s also rainbows, sunshine and lollipops.

And naturally-occurring crystal stemware.Source:Channel 10

The activity that Richie has planned for Alex and Olena is billycarting, presumably having stashed the entire track and three billycarts in the glovebox of the LandCruiser. See if you can pick, by subtle nuances of body language and biorhythms, if there are differing levels of enthusiasm for billycarting at this point.

Olena is super dooper impressed.Source:Channel 10

Now, I heard a rumour that sitting in a billycart wearing a helmet can sometimes make you look a bit intellectually compromised, but I won’t have a bar of it.

We are all got our university papers.Source:Channel 10

In the blink of an eye we’re back at the Womansion in the Rosatorium, a stark contrast from the campground as the girls dial their smiles down and their boobs up.

It really puts a damper on things.Source:Channel 10

Osher, entering in an iron ore suit, paves the way for Richie to drive rose-shaped tent pegs into the girls’ hearts one by one, wiping his brow with anxiety and contractual obligation.

After many anguished exhalations and staccato violins, it comes down to Ukrainian Camping-Hater Olena and Greatest Sunshine Pixie Human Ever Faith.

Not enough time passes to make a good decision that we felt we were being emotionally groomed for for the last hour, and Richie sends Faith home.

HOW DOES IT FEEL MAKING A RAINBOW CRY, YOU BASTARD.Source:Channel 10

Richie, you’ve made a lot of questionable decisions in your time, but as far as I know this is the first time you’ve killed the light hearts of a nation. Sleep well, buddy.

Bye, Faith. We’ll miss the way you were the best thing in our lives.

Dammit.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely or check out her Bachelor podcast.