Nicole’s parents don’t like Keller nose ring or full-body tattoo sleeve.

If your wedding day didn’t include any of the above, divorce your significant other and start again.

In the first episode of the latest series of Married At First Sight, we meet two of the four couples who are anonymously matched by a panel of scientists and married in various seaside locations.

Over the next few weeks, we’ll see the couples move in together, argue and, if all goes to plan, breakup and become single again. C’est la vie, as B*Witched say.

First up, we meet Monica. She describes herself as “definitely a perfectionist” who loves “goals” and “targets” and says she’s been on 150 dates since her last relationship. It’s not clear if having an unusually high number of dates in a short amount of time was one of these goals, but it’s an achievement nonetheless.

A stab in the dark.Source:Channel 9

The 28-year-old project manager wastes no time in preparing for her big day and drags her mum and sister along to watch her try on dresses.

It’s hard to tell from their facial expressions if they’re delighted or appalled.

*GASPS?*Source:Channel 9

“It’s strange having my baby in a wedding dress,” her mum says. “I won’t be the mother of the bride again.”

Oh Monica’s mum. If you’ve ever watched this show, you’ll know there’s every chance in the world you’ll be the mother of the bride again.

“I’m quite fussy when it comes to guys,” Monica tells us. “My dream guy would be tall dark and handsome. A little bit rugged — so think Gerard Butler.”

Ladies who tell everyone they want to end up with a guy like Gerard Butler will never end up with a guy like Gerard Butler. It’s a natural phenomenon of the universe, like gravity.

So, who should we pair highly-strung, Gerard Butler-loving Monica with?

The guy with the comic book collection, clearly.

Waddup.Source:Channel 9

Meet 30-year-old firefighter Mark. While he is a nerd who loves gaming, for the purpose of balance I’m require to also point out he’s got as many abs as he does Star Wars figurines.

Check out what’s under the Batsuit.Source:Channel 9

He says he’s super laid-back and relaxed, so have fun with that, uptight Monica.

Next, we meet Keller.

The 26-year-old former Navy engineer and current mechanical fitter lives at home and occasionally has a nose ring. You know how some guys have a tattoo sleeve on their arm? He has a tattoo sleeve on his entire body.

The third Madden brother.Source:Channel 9

It’s my opinion you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their bedroom.

This is Keller’s.

I don’t know if that doona is even a colour or if it’s just really dirty.Source:Channel 9

We witness Keller telling his family the big news of his anonymous wedding and the only thing to really take away from it is that his mum got her hair and makeup did.

Glam.Source:Channel 9

Keller’s matched with Nicole, a 28-year-old primary school teacher.

We see her tell the class of young children she teaches about her flailing romantic life and how she’s resorted to going on a reality show to marry a man she’s never even met.

It’s safe to assume these children will be promptly unenrolled from Nicole’s class tomorrow morning.

“ ... So when a woman wants to love a man but can’t find one she contacts a TV network ...”Source:Channel 9

“Are you getting married to a dog?” one sharp six-year-old inquires.

Another rolls his eyes at Nicole’s poor life choice.

I’ve never been publicly judged by a dozen first graders, but I imagine it’s a unique kind of humiliation.

“No way girl.”Source:Channel 9

Over at uptight Monica’s, it’s the morning of the wedding day and, like most brides, she waits on the sidewalk for the 511 bus to arrive.

“I swear the bus timetable said 9.35am”Source:Channel 9

Once they arrive, we get to witness one of the most boring reality TV weddings.

Monica’s happy. Mark’s happy.

Unfortunately for us, everything goes perfectly.

Let’s jump across to Keller and Nicole’s wedding where the real action is going down.

Keller begins to feel a bit self-conscious in front of Nicole’s side of the church.

“They are classy. F*ck,” he says.

“I’m really worried what the family think.”

But he’s totally got nothing to worry about. Nicole’s parents are really open minded and not judgmental or critical at all.

“There’s a lot of them over there with tattoos,” Nicole’s mum judges.

“I say ‘no’ already,” Nicole’s dad criticises.

“Have we gotta give our daughter to this man?” they judge and criticise together.

Totally easy-going and open-minded.Source:Channel 9

Upon seeing Keller and his full-body tattoo sleeve, Nicole is apprehensive. But she goes through with it — mainly because television producers can get a bit aggressive when they’ve hired out an entire marina for your blind wedding and then you try to pike.

But afterwards, as they pose for their wedding photos, Nicole comes around to the idea of Keller.

“It feels natural,” she says, as Keller unnaturally kisses her shoulder.

WEDDING TREND: shoulder hickies.Source:Channel 9

Mark and Monica’s big day finally gets interesting once they arrive at their reception. Monica’s weirdo friend warns Mark she’s going to interrogate him with some really invasive questioning.

Mark gulps.

“What’s the coolest fire you’ve done a rescue on?”

“What position did you play when you played soccer?”

“What diseases do you have?”

It was exactly like watching Leigh Sales in action.

A fun question to ask guests at your next dinner party.Source:Channel 9

From these three questions, she was able to establish some impressive intel:

She’s a genius.Source:Channel 9

Afterwards, Mark begs Monica to join him in a first dance, which he’s spent the last few weeks rehearsing.

“What’s this song?” Monica asks, as the music begins to play.

“It’s from Anastacia!” Mark replies, as he teaches her the choreography.

Later, Monica can barely contain her excitement.

“He’s manly, so that gets a tick in my book,” she says about the man who insisted on learning a dance from a children’s cartoon princess movie. I’m not judging. All I’m saying is Gerard Butler’s probably never seen Anastasia.

At Keller and Nicole’s reception, Nicole’s parents continue to unknowingly provide the entertainment.

We’re treated to footage of Nicole’s mum reading the menu very loudly and painfully slow.

“What’s written down here,” she says picking up the menu before giving the best minute-and-a-half of the show. “Char ... grilled ... eye ... fillet ... with ... fresh ... curry ... leaf ... potato souffle ... gin infused ... JUS.

“My good god! That’ll be somethin’, won’t it!”

Nicole’s mum is set to appear in an upcoming TV series where she goes to restaurants and reads menus.Source:Channel 9

But Nicole’s dad doesn’t think it’ll be somethin’. He’s spiralling into a deep depression about his nice daughter marrying that fella with the tatts and the nose ring.

“Nup.”Source:Channel 9

Time for a speech and Keller’s mate, who has an incredibly shiny face, introduces the groom.

“What can I say about the guy that’s up next. Getting special tattoos in special spots. The man has a big heart,” he says.

The crowd nervously giggles. We all have a lot of questions about this tattoo and the “special spot” it’s in. Keller wastes no time in clearing it all up.

“I have a tattoo in a very private location,” he explains. “Let’s just say my heart will beat for her if she finds my secret tattoo.”

It seems Nicole’s dad misunderstood what his son-in-law said about having a heart tattooed on his willie that will soon “beat” for his daughter.

All of a sudden, he changes his mind about Keller.

All it took was a willie tatt.Source:Channel 9

Never has a willie tattoo carried more sentiment.

For more thoughts on willie tattoos and judgy parents, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir