Deeply dippy.

The Earth’s probably flat;

Don’t be ungrateful,

You’ll get shouted at.

No matter what the show, there comes a time in every reality TV series when you really settle in and decide who’s who.

You decide who the excellent, heartwarming, adorable people are.

Like Faith, who provides so many opportunities to recite George Michael lyrics.Source:Channel 10

You decide who the endearingly wacky people are.

Look at yoooou. Your oddness is forever newwwwwSource:Channel 10

Aaaand you decide who the villains are.

I find that description offensive.Source:Channel 10

Happily the first single date today is with the effervescent Faith, and Richie in combination with a room full of producers have decided the date will have a James Bond theme.

My codename is Double-0-Ha-HaSource:Channel 10

He picks her up in a tiny, but ritzy, speedboat and Faith admits “I’ve never been in a … is this a yacht?”, at which point we realise that the fact that there’s no room for books on this boat is not going to be a problem.

The couple sails for miles in search of a couch, finally finding one adjacent to an accomplished stunt barman who makes rose martinis, a potentially cruel tease of a drink should Faith not actually receive a rose later.

In a move not recommended by health and safety experts, the pair moves from the bar to a pool, where Richie gets out some man-nipples and, to check how much of a good sport Faith is, a solitary ball.

She grabs at it greedily.Source:Channel 10

Relaxing with couch beers after their vigorous game of sportball, Richie and Faith talk about love and relationships and smiling and what it’s like to smile, and even though Richie says his face hurts from smiling, he still manages to do this:

Time for a bit of thucking Faith.Source:Channel 10

Faith takes a rose home to the Womansion, and even dead pieces of seaweed at the bottom of the Mariana Trench can guess how Keira feels about that.

Next it’s group date time, and Keira is given the nickname ‘group date groupie’ by the other girls because she’s so frequently invited on them, and ‘Cranky Lara Bingle’ by those of us playing at home.

The group arrives at Curzon Hall, a venue that three out of every four Sydneysiders have attended a school formal or wedding reception at.

The date reflects real life almost exactly, in that it’s a competitive ballroom-dancing based date with a mostly rectangular guy called Stefano, and the winner gets to ballroom dance again but in a much nicer dress.

Richie says he’s looking for someone “cheeky and sassy, who can take the waltz in a different direction”, a phrase that oil rig workers are constantly using and frankly it’s getting a little tiresome.

Eliza gets lost in Richie’s eyes. Olena’s terrible dancing skills don’t matter because she looks like someone built her out of Hot Girl Lego. Georgia, Rachael, Sophie and Noni are deemed moderately adequate. But who, of all these girls, will unexpectedly bring some much-needed waltz sass?

“Unexpectedly”Source:Channel 10

Pleather, raunch, and sticking-your-tongue-slightly-out-of-your-mouth wins the day, and Keira claims the one-on-one time with Richie prize. Not one to be pleased with life, she complains that winning time alone with Richie means she probably won’t get a single date now. It’s Australia’s turn to stick their tongues slightly out of their mouths with disgust.

Keira changes into a ridiculously stunning dress while Rachael, the show’s unofficial commentator, snarks “She didn’t look like Cinderella. More like the wicked witch”, understanding perfectly how this whole manufactured villain thing is supposed to work.

Is this a smile? Am I smiling? I’m never sure.Source:Channel 10

A horse and carriage (that I can’t really count as a couch) takes Keira and Richie to a couch (which I can totally count as a couch) which they ignore in order to dance again. Keira is completely in love. With herself in this dress. It’s actually weird to see her happy about something.

Speaking of couches, they’re representing well in Nipple Couch Death Match so far, but man-nipples appear in twos, so the nipples still have it.

Seriously, how much fun is this stupid, pointless game.Source:Supplied

When Keira returns to the Womansion wielding a rose and endlessly, endlessly spinning, there are mixed feelings from the other girls. Eliza lets Keira know (oddly not via the medium of song), that she feels she was a bit ungrateful earlier. Keira agrees, laughs it off, and initiates a group hug.

Weird that they bleeped out the phrase “let’s all go get ice cream!”Source:Channel 10

I tell you what, that Keira girl is so sweet in a “swearing at people and telling them they’re offensive” kind of way. Truly the Cinderella of our generation.

Come evening, the cocktail party is tense. Eliza and Keira don’t manage to work out their differences, and Alex brandishing her white rose continues to tighten emotional sphincters throughout the Womansion. She gets quite upset, as having spent more time with Richie than most of the other girls is such a heavy cross to bear.

I’m not crying, I’ve just got some injustice in my eye.Source:Channel 10

By the time Osher, in a carved chalcedony suit, gravely prepares the Rosatorium for bad news, nerves are frayed. One by one Richie fires rose-shaped love bullets at the ladies while Alex makes ever more intense Pick Me Faces.

Don’t make me send you to hospital to have a white rose removed, buddy.Source:Channel 10

She makes it through though, and rewards us with a solitary crystalline tear as she gratefully hugs her prey.

The final three of Sophie, Marja and Kiki stand nervously, for long enough for us to look them up on The Bachelor website to remind ourselves who they are.

Marja’s the one with bruising to the left shoulder.Source:Channel 10

Hours pass, and Sophie and Marja are sent home, leaving the number of token brunettes left in the competition dangerously low.

Bye, Sophie and Marja. You were never given the chance you so richly deserve, to sit on a couch, stare into a man’s eyes, and have him say “ha ha”.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely