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Posted: 2016-06-07 09:02:00

These two certainly seemed in love. And then it all fell apart. Picture: Cristina Quicler/AFP

“IT’S one thing to ask why we break up, Have you ever wondered why it is we fall in love?” - Amiel, Lovesong

Strange, isn’t it, that we rarely ask that question. And if we do ask: “Why did I fall in love with that person?” the answer is generally a long list of qualities.

He’s got a good sense of humour, we say. He is really smart. He is good with animals, and loves long walks on the beach.

But so do a lot of people. Why have we chosen this particular smart, animal loving beach walker? And why are we so often terribly wrong in our choices?

As someone who has been in a number of relationships, and has the therapy to prove it, I can assure you that I have given this question a great deal of thought. And so I was fascinated by a recent piece in the New York Times by philosopher Alain de Botton on this very topic.

De Botton discusses marriage, but his theories are valid for any romantic relationships. He explains why so many of us choose the wrong romantic partner, because we choose out of loneliness, out of a mistaken belief that the other person will fulfil all our needs, and because we confuse romantic love with compatibility.

What is most significant, however, is de Botton’s explanation of “the marriage of feeling” — in other words, when two people hook up for “love”, rather than practical considerations. (Think Prince Charles marrying his lover Camilla after his first marriage to the “suitable” Lady Di.)

In a marriage of feeling — or, we might say, when falling in love — two people “are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.”

In other words, we just know. And the reason we just know is because the person feels familiar to us.

Even seemingly perfect couples can suffer from this. Picture: Barcroft Media / Splash News

Even seemingly perfect couples can suffer from this. Picture: Barcroft Media / Splash NewsSource:Splash News Australia

As de Botton writes, “We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood.”

If our childhood experiences of love were positive, we will seek out those types of relationships. If our childhood experiences of love were less than ideal, we will seek those out instead.

“The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes.”

Any good therapist will be able to point out the ways in which your partner resembles your parent. “You married your father,” we hear, or “She is just like his mother.” It can feel almost inevitable. And, as de Botton points out, we can reject wonderful candidates for love not because they are wrong, but because they don’t feel familiar enough. They might be open and demonstrative, and we are used to withholding. They might be consistent and reliable, and we are used to volatile.

If we are not used to feeling secure in love relationships, or validated, or accepted, or safe, then we can reject people who offer us all that, not because they don’t make us happy, but because they feel vaguely “wrong”.

We choose what we know.

And sometimes ‘what we know’ is a terrible idea. Picture: Lucy Nicholson/AFP

And sometimes ‘what we know’ is a terrible idea. Picture: Lucy Nicholson/AFPSource:AFP

It’s hard to change patterns. After all, romantic love is a powerful force. Your heart and loins are drawing you to a particular person. Your soul is screaming, “This is the One!” And it takes an enormous amount of self-awareness and insight and willpower to look beyond that and to break down why it feels so right, and what other forces are at play.

Are the traits that are so familiar and attractive to you (they are challenging/ ambitious/ faithful/ independent/ needy/ powerful/ playful/ reliable/ adventurous/ possessive/ dangerous/ sexy etc) going to serve you well in the long term? What will the relationship look like when the initial crazy passion has worn off? How well do you actually live together? And how will you manage to fulfil the needs that this particular person cannot?

People are always going to fall in love, and this is probably still the best way to choose a partner. I’m not sure I’d rather go back to the feudal system, where marriage was determined by property, or orthodox religion, where matchmakers decide on partnerships.

Still, we don’t have to be completely led by our hearts and desires. The older I get, and the more relationships I have under my belt, the more I see the need for rational thought. Choosing a partner is one of the most significant life choices we will make. Bringing our brains into the equation can only be a good thing.

Kerri Sackville writes the blog Love and Other Crises. Follow her on Twitter @KerriSackville.

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