“Take me to the Fountain of Youth, Jack Sparrow.”

If you haven’t seen the episode yet, leave now, before we hound you out of here.

Last week’s recap

THE RIVERLANDS

You know something important is going down when Game of Thrones gives you a scene before the credits. In this case, the credits themselves would have spoiled the surprise, because Rory McCann’s name is in them.

Yep, it turns out everyone’s favourite chicken enthusiast, Sandor Clegane, is still alive. He’s hanging out with some nice religious people, and is chopping up trees instead of human bodies.

I’ve missed those puppy dog eyes.Source:Supplied

The ominously peaceful enclave is run by Blackbeard from Pirates of the Caribbean, who says Sandor survived his fight with Brienne because the gods have a plan for him. Sandor himself has a simpler explanation: “I’m a big f***er and I’m tough to kill.”

The Hound’s new, honourable life is shattered when some dickheads from the Brotherhood Without Banners show up and slaughter everyone. He returns from wood-chopping to discover the grisly scene - then grabs his axe.

He’s off to eat all the f***ing chickens in Westeros.

“Oh well, guess it’s back to mass murder then.”Source:Supplied

RIVERRUN

Jaime and Bronn have arrived at Riverrun, which is “besieged” by Walder Frey’s sons.

Granted, this isn’t a siege in the traditional sense of the word. It’s really just four guys standing near the castle walls and shouting. They’re trying to figure out how gruesomely they’ll need to execute Edmure Tully for his uncle, the Blackfish, to even pretend to give a damn.

“Our adventures are getting progressively worse. You know that, right?”Source:Supplied

There is clearly work to be done, but with no bad poosy in sight, Bronn isn’t feeling very motivated. Even the chance to be “the right hand (Jaime) lost” doesn’t impress him. Hand of the King — that’s a title. Hand of the King’s Incestuous Father isn’t quite as glamorous.

Jaime’s big confrontation with the Blackfish doesn’t achieve much, but by bringing up the Kingslayer’s unfulfilled oath to Catelyn Stark, it will undoubtedly feed rumours about a certain character’s possible appearance this season. Click the link at your peril.

“Get off my lawn, punk.”Source:Supplied

THE NORTH

“Please, sir, may I have some more?” That’s the Stark storyline this week, as Jon, Sansa and Davos roam from castle to castle, begging pretty much everyone in the north to give them soldiers.

The wildlings sign up without much fuss — Jon does have a way with redheads, after all. On the other end of the spectrum, House Glover tells them to sod off.

“Have I mentioned I’m wildly attracted to redheads?”Source:Supplied

The undisputed star of the show is Lyanna Mormont, the young child currently in charge of Bear Island. After a long conversation, in which the sharp-tongued girl appears to make Jon wet his pants, she agrees to add her men to the Stark army — all 62 of them.

“If they are as half as ferocious as their lady, the Boltons are doomed,” Davos says.

Jon and Sansa make camp in the same spot Stannis did before his humiliating defeat. That’s not a great omen. And much like Stannis, Jon wants to charge into battle with the Boltons despite being woefully outnumbered.

Unlike Jon, Sansa can actually do maths. Desperate for reinforcements, she writes a letter to Littlefinger, telling him to bring his army to Winterfell. Or maybe she has a secret pen pal. I dunno.

“Dear doucheface. Bring your army. Sincerely, go f*** yourself.”Source:Supplied

KING’S LANDING

Margaery hasn’t joined Tommen and Ser Pounce in bed since she returned to the Red Keep, and the High Sparrow is taking it upon himself to act as their marriage counsellor.

“Congress does not require desire on the woman’s part. Only patience,” he says, with all the authority of a 74-year-old virgin. I’m starting to think he made up that convoluted story about the orgy and the shoes.

The Sparrow also threatens Margaery’s grandmother, so she tells Olenna to flee King’s Landing — and slips a picture of a flower (the Tyrell sigil) into her hand. It’s confirmed, then: Margaery’s conversion is an act.

“You don’t meet many women, do you?”Source:Supplied

Before Olenna leaves the city, she confronts Cersei one last time, unleashing pretty much every insult that’s flashed through her head since Loras was imprisoned.

“You’ve lost, Cersei. That’s the only joy I can find in all this misery,” she concludes.

Throughout it all, Cersei remains suspiciously calm. That usually means she’s contemplating mass murder.

“Oh sorry, you caught me thinking about all the different ways I could kill you.”Source:Supplied

VOLANTIS

Theon and Yara are in Volantis, where long camera shots of nipples and butts are obligatory. That’s good news for Yara, who apparently loves boobs almost as much as the average Game of Thrones viewer. But Theon, once a renowned horndog, has lost interest.

Yara treats him like the one sober kid at a high school house party, applying peer pressure in ever greater doses until he finally downs the cheap booze she bought with her fake ID. Here’s a crackpot theory for you: maybe that Drowned God the Ironborn worship was actually just a really impressive alcoholic. Over to you, Reddit.

Theon’s still depressed, so Yara urges him to commit suicide: “If you’re so broken that there's no coming back, take a knife and cut your wrists. End it.” Gee, thanks sis.

Assuming Theon survives her constant abuse, Yara is planning to team up with Daenerys, which isn’t an awful idea. The dragon queen’s army of dickless soldiers could probably use a new recruit.

“If you’re not an alcoholic you may as well kill yourself.”Source:Supplied

BRAAVOS

Having booked passage on a ship back to Westeros, Arya decides to stand out in the open where any potential assassin can see her.

A few stabs in the gut later, her situation is looking pretty dire. We’ll have to wait another week to find out if she survives.

“A girl is pretty much screwed at this point.”Source:Supplied

We’ll be back next week to recap episode eight. In the meantime, leave your thoughts in the comments section below.