Simone decides to cut Xavier loose on Married At First Sight.

While that last sentence seems too delightful to be true, it’s actually not even a joke. But we’ll get there.

Before decisions are made, we see the couples spending their final days together before they separate to consider their feelings.

Simone still has issues with Xavier’s lack of romance. Rectifying the issue, he surprises her with tickets to some kind of soccer game starring the Wanderers.

Simone’s thrilled.

Yay?

They then put on gross merchandise and head off to the football theatre. Halfway through the performance, Simone gets taught an important life lesson: Even the most boring event is worth going to as long as you gain a killer selfie. If that’s the only thing she takes away from this experiment, then I’d say it’s a success.

Sweet gram.

On their final morning together, Simone’s annoyed that Xavier hasn’t made her feel special by making her breakfast. Instead, he took the time to break in his new round brush.

Your fringe isn’t going to round brush itself, right gents?

Christie’s in two minds as she says goodbye to Mark. On one hand, she can see herself falling in love with him. But on the other, she hates the commute between Victoria and Sydney. Weighing up her options, she sits on the train and considers what her life would be like if she grew old with her backpack instead of Mark.

“Thanks for being here.”

Spending two days apart, everyone evaluates their feelings in different ways. Some talk to their friends and family and get external guidance.

Simone dranks.

Drankin.

By decision day, Simone has dug down to the bottom of her wine and heart. She meets with Xavier and the psychologists to deliver her decision on whether she will continue the relationship.

She starts off by saying they had so many similarities and she loved living with him. But then it takes a turn and she delivers a monologue that never seems to end.

“I want someone who loves to spend time with me. I want somebody who is excited when I walk in that door and I want somebody who genuinely wants to hold me,” she says.

“Not because they feel like they have to, because they genuinely just want to hold me. So today, I am so clear in my decision that I am going to walk away from this relationship. Because I feel that you cannot give me any of those things. You’re not ready. To give any of those things. So thank you for the last month.”

We don’t get to find out whether Xavier was going to say yes or no to the relationship, but his face during her monologue gives us insight into how he feels about being dumped on television.

Have fun waking up to your round brush.

The camera then cuts back to the panel of psychologists who have been sitting on the couch across from them the entire time.

Washing their hands of the failed relationship they helped orchestrate, the psychologists wish Xavier and Simone the “best of luck” with their “future endeavours”, show them the door and hand them an iPhone with Tinder pre-installed.

The seats are still warm when Erin and Bryce sit down to deliver their decisions.

Psychologist Mel Schilling helpfully points out that Erin has a gigantic all-body anxiety rash.

You’re a doll, Mel.

It’s no secret Erin wants to continue things with Bryce, but her uncertainty over children makes things difficult. Bryce admits his snake of a mum threw that reason in his face. But like most adults, he’ll go against his mother’s wishes just to prove a point.

“At the end of the day that stuff will come when it comes,” he tells her. “And when you moved out the other day I was so sad. And that’s when I knew that I wanted to still continue. When you went there was just a big hole in the apartment and I needed to have you there. I want you there all the time. I want to continue as well.”

His beautiful response compels Erin to thumb his mouth.

*Suckle*

And it was the right decision. When we flash forward two months later, we find out Erin and Bryce are still together.

They’re in their own little romantic world where on one side of the footpath it’s so hot Erin has to remove her denim shirt, and on the other it’s so cold Bryce has to put on skiwear.

Brrr.

When it comes to Christie and Mark’s decision, it could swing either way. They both like each other, but the distance between Sydney and rural Victoria is a b**ch.

Christie tells Mark and the psychologists that her choice has been decided by a pro and con list.

“My positive list had 27 and my negatives only had, like, four — and three of them were out of your control. It’s just the farm. So I am definitely 100 per cent not going to let you go. I definitely want to continue and give this a go.”

But things get taken down a notch when Mark has to give his decision.

“I think you’re awesome, I think we work perfectly together. But obviously we come from two different worlds and two different lifestyles,” he tells her. “And it does feel like I’m at the fork in the road. And I feel like I have to give up my life in order for us to be together.”

Clearly this is going down hill and Christie, who just spilt her honest feelings for Mark, is about to be dumped. We know. And Christie knows.

“Just say it.”

And then all of a sudden Mark zags.

“You are an amazing person but I can’t let you go either,” he says.

Given the dramatic build up and insinuation that Christie was about to be unceremoniously tossed off Mark’s tractor, I’m genuinely upset that things didn’t work out disastrously for them.

Mark and Christie are the only ones happy with this outcome.

Stop smiling.

“So what’s on the agenda for tonight?” one of the psychologists asks.

When your mum thinks you and bae are actually just going to watch Netflix and chill.

When we check in on them two months later, they’re still together and making the long distance work.

“There’s definitely sexual chemistry there. I don’t think after three months two people would be together if there was none,” Christie says, making it clear to Australia, once and for all, that her and Mark have sex.

Two people not having sex are Jono and Clare. Remember them? The annoying dog lady and the guy who threw tantrums? Well we check in on them too. And they’ve each gained some perspective.

“There are quite a few things in the experiment that I certainly wish I handled better,” Clare says, as footage of all her bad decisions throughout the series plays.

“It did highlight that fact that at times I can be a bit condescending. It did also highlighted that I am someone who can be a real know-it-all.”

Jono also has some thoughts.

“At certain points I felt like I was one of her rescue dogs and she was trying to train me into what she wanted,” he says. “She adopts these dogs that need her. She trains them up — so caring and loving and awesome in that respect. But I’m not one of your dogs.”

Not a dog.Source:Channel 9

But there are no hard feelings. There is no regret. Clare’s moved on and she’s in a good place. She has a new dog who has to wear a nappy. And she’s now a qualified Uber driver.

It sounds sad, but if you read that last paragraph picturing the final scene in Sex and the City while listening to You Got The Love, her situation almost sounds fabulous.

To keep updated on my attempts at being picked up by Clare in an Uber, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir