Alexa LaFata, a senior editor at Elite Daily wrote about a VERY intimate experience.

College student Alexa LaFata found that out the very hard way and then inexplicably wrote an essay about her experience, recounting the ‘horror’ of having a tampon eventually removed by an ER doctor and here we are.

Just know, as I write these words, I’m clenching my pelvic floor muscles. It’s an involuntary reaction but one I am sure you will also have.

Yes, even the men among you.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start … (You’ll need that Sound of Music reference later for comfort).

Alexa met and then hooked up with a dude. I can confirm that the painters were in at the time, but she was NOT about to let that small fact get in the way.

YEAH, you go girl!

She made the decision to leave her tampon in and then things got hot and heavy with her crush. Even though her cervix was screaming: “NO! There’s no room at the inn, bitch!” she pushed onwards and upwards. Then the next morning she was all like: Oh yeah, I had a tampon up my clacker! I best be taking that out now!

So she went in search of it and after: “Ten minutes of digging around, I couldn’t find the string ...”

Full disclosure for those of you unsure about the structural integrity of sanitary products: This can happen. Sometimes the string breaks off or it’s wrapped around the bottom of it or it’s gently laid itself between your cheeks. But I can honestly say, in my experience, it’s difficult to get it SO FAR UP YOU that it cannot be reached by human hands.

It’s not like they’re that big, so yeah, things can go wrong with tampons.Source:Getty Images

Alexa understandably began to panic, she called in her premed room mate and asked for some professional advice. Her very* helpful pal instructed her to “keep rummaging around” and then LEFT HER ON HER OWN!

Well done FUTURE doctor!

Alexa then began to wonder if in fact the tampon had made an exit of it’s own accord. Then she wondered if it had taken up residence in her new beau’s bed? Whoops! That thought mortified her, she couldn’t possibly call and ask! Could she?!

I mean she probably could have, but she didn’t. She instead fronted up to a hospital in the hope some exploratory work could be done by a medical professional. I get it. Nothing kills a fledging romance like a manky tampon.

At this point Alexa hilariously points out that this is no biggie for her, she forgets about what’s up her personal tunnel on the regular.

She actually said that: “I have accidentally left tampons in for a really long time!” WTF ALEXA NO.

It’s all fun and games until you get TOXIC SHOCK SYNDROME. Ladies, I feel as though you all know this but just in case you don’t, you must NEVER leave a tampon in for a “really long time” because: potentially fatal infections. In fact they should only be in for a couple of hours at a time. Holy shit, where even am I right now?

Ah yes, Alexa. So she sat in a paper frock, legs splayed, waiting for an ER doctor to strap on a miners hat and go in. One appeared and after she explained that she’d been with a man who “went really hard with his fingers” thus resulting in the great tampon mystery of 2016, the doctor set about his retrieval mission. Finally, up near her brain, the rogue tampon was located and excavated.

Possibly the saddest part of all of this is the fact that it cost her $900 for the removal AND the man responsible for this adventure never even called her back!

So alls well that ends well, Alexa was relieved, her cervix was discouraged from taking an AVO out against her and we’re all having a laugh about it now aren’t we HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Left eye twitches)

(Doe a dear a female deer, ray a drop of golden sun … Me a name I call myself ...)

Em Rusciano is a comedian, writer, singer and regular news.com.au columnist. You can follow her on Facebook.