When an ambulance is racing towards you, it better not be for any of these stupid reasons.

He waits for the ambulance. And waits.

It’s only a few minutes but it feels like a lifetime. When the ambos arrive they’re cranky. Competent but cranky. The emergency department’s no different — it’s packed with impatient, angry people. Why is it like this? Everyone’s much nicer on Grey’s Anatomy.

Over the last five years, the average waiting time for an ambulance in most parts of Australia has crept slowly but steadily upwards, and many emergency departments struggle to reach waiting time targets.

We’re supposed to have one of the highest-quality health systems in the world, so what’s going on? Who’s responsible for this mess?

I’m sorry to say, but it’s you.

The majority of any paramedic’s shift time is spent dealing with non-emergencies. Some officers work for days and nights on end without seeing anything more life-threatening than a burnt-out light bulb, and on some shifts the only person who gets injured is the paramedic.

What are they being called out for most of the time? Absolute rubbish.

Who’s paying them to do that? You are.

Want some examples? I’m glad you asked. Every one of the following stories comes from a real ambulance call.

THAT’S YOUR EMERGENCY?

A man calls an ambulance because he’s troubled by excessive dandruff. A woman with food poisoning has hideous things coming out both ends. A distraught mother wants her small daughter’s cut lip seen to immediately. An older lady is feeling cold, even though she’s tucked up in bed.

These calls might sound ridiculous, but they’re the sort of thing ambos have to deal with every day.Source:News Corp Australia

Sure, these conditions feel unpleasant, but ask yourself — would you push in front of someone having a baby or a cardiac arrest to fix your tinea? If you answer ‘yes’, you’re a horrible person.

IT’S ALL IN THE TIMING

When paramedics rush to a patient in the wee hours who says “Well, I’ve felt a bit ordinary for a few days …” they can be forgiven for putting their cranky pants on.

Ambulances are for when something bad has happened in the last few minutes, and something good needs to happen in the next few minutes. They’re not there for people who have been throwing up for a couple of hours, or had a cold since Sunday, or sprained their ankle last week.

If you need emergency help immediately, call 000. If you need someone to pat your back while you wait for your GP, call your Mum.

STEP AWAY FROM THE AMBO

How many times have you been at work and some drunk guy jumps in front of you shouting “HEY, IS THAT STRETCHER FOR ME? HURR HURR HURR”? This happens frequently to paramedics who are trying to accomplish the simple task of getting to a patient. A patient who may be combative for any number of reasons, or who may have a mate standing by ready to punch on with anyone in a uniform, or a relative who likes to threaten hospital staff because things aren’t happening fast enough.

If you want the ambulance officers to help you, let them. Do not hassle them or tell them how to do their job. Do not swear, glare or spit at them. Do not hit the ambo.

Ambulance officers are constantly having to deal with drunk idiots and their obnoxious friends. Picture: Gordon McComiskieSource:News Corp Australia

YOU DID WHAT WITH YOUR WHAT?

Paramedics have very strict, very detailed protocols and procedures for attending a huge range of acute health situations, from motor vehicle accidents to asthma attacks to domestic violence.

Some jobs, however, fall way, way outside the usual definition of “medical” and “emergency”.

For example, the woman who rushed out into the street to beg paramedics for help while they’re attending another patient because her son just ate a kilo of cheese.

Or the person who called 000 for a family member who collapsed on the lounge room floor, without specifying that the family member was a dog.

Or the parents who called wanting treatment for their teenage daughter who had done a poo on her bedroom floor.

Then there’s the seemingly endless array of people who “accidentally” have a vegetable, drink container or uncomfortable-looking children’s toy lodged in a sensitive part of their anatomy. Barbie dolls don’t go up there, people.

OK, it’s fair to say that one person’s idea of an emergency might differ from another’s. And when you’re feeling stressed, frightened or mentally unwell, you just want someone to turn up and fix everything.

But if it’s not an urgent medical emergency, use another option. Friends. Relatives. Family doctors. Take a first aid course.

And remember: your ingrown toenail won’t jump the hospital queue just because you arrive in an ambulance. Save 000 for saving lives.

Shelley Stocken is a freelance writer with a special interest in scepticism and rage-typing opinions on a coffee-stained keyboard. She tweets as @shellity.