Em Rusciano is giving all ladies an “official kick up the arse”, go and have a full bodycheck.

My national stand-up tour kicked off on the 12th of February and around that time, I found a couple of lumps in one of my boobs.

They were hard, small and nasty. I kept it to myself for a bit, not really sure what to do with the information. Obviously I realised that I needed to get it checked out, however I was a little concerned as to what would be discovered once I set those wheels in motion, so I didn’t act on it straight away. I know, what a neglectful d--khead. I told my closest pals and they all of course were at me to go and have it seen to, but still I put it off.

Let us take a break in our programming to state that under no circumstances should you do that. DO NOT DO THAT. If you find a lump in ANY of your bits, go and get that sh-t checked immediately, do the opposite of what I did.

I flew to Adelaide the following week, I performed my show, the whole time burying what was happening for me health wise. Then I got an email from a lady who explained to me that her pal was a huge admirer of my work, a fellow writer and mother. She went on to explain that they had plans to come and see me in Sydney however her friend has been fighting a battle with breast cancer and they didn’t know if she would still be with us in May, when I was there. That sentence completely stopped me in my tracks, it also caused me to ring and make an appointment with my GP.

Em wishes she had gotten her boobs checked sooner.Source:Instagram

“If you find a lump in ANY of your bits, go and get that sh — t checked immediately,” says Rusciano.Source:News Corp Australia

I went in to see her and decided that it was probably time I had a full body service, so I also had my second ever Pap smear as well. They’ve stopped calling them that now haven’t they? Didn’t we decide the word ‘smear’ was far too traumatic to process? Yes I was hoping to gloss over the fact that it was only my second ever Pap situation, the first being nine years ago when I was on breakfast radio and we did the “Pap smear express”.

We took a bunch of listeners on a bus who had never had one and made them have one: It was an en masse smearing! Did we have a theme song?! D’uh, I’m sure no one in Perth ever heard The Venga boys The Venga Bus Is Coming in the same way again!

My doctor took blood as well, we were going to check my iron levels, B12, all the blood cell counts and my thyroid. Then it was time to address the visitors in my chest, she had a bit of a feel and said that yes we should get those checked out via an ultra sound.

So I left with my referral and vowed to make an appointment immediately.

Of course I didn’t. *Commence throwing things at the screen now.

Not to make lame excuses but I, like a lot of women, have always let my health take a back seat. However if one of my kids looks in danger of an illness we’re straight down to the doctors, pumping in the vitamins, turning on all the steamers, busting out lavender face packs — the works. But when it comes to my wellbeing, I’m the queen of powering through, hanging on by a thread, working and living until I burn out. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat enough and I function entirely on adrenaline. On New Year’s Day this year my appendix burst because I refused to give into the extreme stomach cramps I was having! Where is my pony?!

Comedian Em Rusciano after being rushed to hospital in Melbourne with a burst appendix.Source:Instagram

No Em, there are no ponies for people who think they’re being tough by not looking after themselves.

So I continued to live in denial, I flew to Canberra and Darwin and performed again, I wasn’t myself and my band knew it. Finally I told the boys that I had a lumps that I needed to get it checked but I hadn’t because I was a stupid scared bitch. My guitarist Marcel was really upset with me, he had lost his Mum to cancer and couldn’t believe how casual I was being about the whole situation. He looked at me and said: “Em, get it checked on Monday. Please.” Of course he was right and the look in his eyes broke me, so on Monday I booked in for my ultra sound, they found the lumps, they took some cells, and I waited.

I tried not to let my mind wander too much, I didn’t want to even entertain the idea that anything sinister was going on.

Then I went back to see my doctor and she was smiling when I walked in. I instantly relaxed. You don’t smile at people you’re about to give bad new to. Unless you’re a sadistic d--k balloon.

Em Rusciano is demanding you go and get yourselves checked ladies.Source:Supplied

Turns out I have lumpy boobs, fibrocystic tits if you will. Nothing too serious. I’m going to see a breast surgeon about them next week as they have become a little painful, but there is no cancer.

So ladies, consider this your official kick up the arse, go and have a full bodycheck. Go in for a service, get your vag, blood, boobs, moles and brain looked at. I bet you’re the sunshine of a lot of people’s lives, the makers of school lunches, the organiser of activities and the wrapper of presents. You have to be running smoothly for everything else to be.

Please, go now, if you have any concerns pick up your phone immediately and make a call.

Oh and by the way, my iron levels are completely shot, I have the lowest my doctor has ever seen of anyone standing upright. Pride is the wrong emotion to feel here isn’t it!

OK seriously now, go and get yourself fixed up.