What really goes on behind the scenes of an event, is often more interesting than the even itself.

Drunk uncles, speeches that never end, horrendous decorations and awful, awful venue managers are just some of the regular contributors. And that’s just what’s visible to the guests.

Behind the scenes is a completely separate underworld of drama and mishaps that the guests will never be privy to (at least, not on my watch).

DRUNK STAFF

Let me preface this by saying, we are not allowed to drink at events! However, there is a tonne of alcohol lying around at most catered functions and it is quite easy for the staff to sneak a bevvy or two without arousing too much suspicion.

Some are better at this than others. At an event I did in London, I couldn’t find one of my staff. After a quick search I found him passed out and smelling like a brewery in the toilets. We had to discreetly get him off the premises and into a taxi to make sure he not only got home safely but also didn’t seriously annoy the clients that essentially paid for his indulgence.

But it’s not just the broke wait staff that are up for a free drink. I’ve worked for a chef who regularly drank the entire way through meal service. Sometimes this can be entertaining but mostly its just annoying and even dangerous.

Once, this chef gave me a platter of slider burgers to hand out to the guests. The burgers were clearly undercooked; the real giveaway being the blood dripping onto the platter. It took quite some negotiating to convince the chef that he should let me take over the barbecue at that point.

ACCIDENTALLY KISSING GUESTS

Say what??? Seriously, this happened. One of my waitresses thought a customer was going in for a quick peck on the cheek — it must have been that slightly raised head and tilted neck that did it. Turns out they were just raising their head to politely ask if we would be serving coffee with dessert.

The waitress realised too late unfortunately and had already planted a gently peck on the poor woman’s cheek. When I asked her at what stage she realised she had misread the situation, she replied “probably when she recoiled at my touch”.

‘Accidentally’ kissing staff — that’s another matter.Source:Supplied

ACTIVE WEAR

Uniform requirements are often bewilderingly misunderstood. I’ve learned to be clear on dress code and now start my messages to staff about attire with NO ACTIVE WEAR!!! I’ve had girls turn up in tailored black pants and button up shirts (as requested), only to finish the outfit off with bright white converse. WTF!

I’ve also had middle age women wanting to “pick up” (their own words) so they turned up in plunging necklines for a conservative wedding.

And yes, if I don’t specify what black pants to wear, I will almost certainly have at least one member of staff turn up in their gym pants.

CAKE FAILS

I’m touching wood as I type this, but I’m yet to drop the cake (that’s going to come back to bite me I just know it). However I have had a cake split in half and fall into a pile of crumbs as I was icing it for a function the following day.

The cake was a 3D Hungry Hungry Caterpillar cake and required five layers to construct. I took a deep breath, made myself my fifth coffee for the day and had a long hard look at myself. Luckily I had a cafe at the time so I used the cakes I had baked for the cafe to reconstruct the masterpiece.

Every caterer’s worst nightmare.Source:istock

The Old Mother Hubbard in me couldn’t let the five layers of chocolate cake go to waste though so with a little liquor and syrup the broken cake was turned into cake truffles for a dessert canape.

Similarly, at one function I went to cut the flourless chocolate cake only to discover that it hadn’t set. We ended up spooning quenelles of the unset cake onto the dessert and serving it as chocolate ganache. It turned out so well that I have kept the dessert on the menu.

PENNY PINCHING CLIENTS

Let me just answer a couple of the commonly asked questions now and perhaps we can prevent any embarrassment by the questions being asked at the time of the event.

No I cannot do it cheaper.

No you will not get a refund for people who do not turn up.

And yes you will run out of food if you are not honest about the amount of people attending.

Believe it or not customers will lie about how many people are attending their party to keep the per head price down, and this will almost always mean they run out of the agreed menu.

I find it very difficult to let guests go hungry just because their host is tight so I end up playing a game “Ready Steady Cook on Crack,” reinventing leftover ingredients to come up with something to serve.

Kelly Barlow is a caterer and freelance lifestyle and food writer. Follow her on Twitter @whatkellycooks