When your baby’s crying because they’ve got a cold and can’t clear their own nostrils, what are you going to do?

I’m still not sure how it happened, but I’m blaming a combination of fatigue, deluded optimism about the state of my infant’s clothes and that we were running late.

Pre-child this life event would have left me huddled in the corner. Post, I hit the antibacterial wash hard and carried on as normal. Forget the I’m a Celebrity tucker trials. Parents have the monopoly on things that make you go ewwww.

Here are the top five grossest things about being a mum:

5. DEFECATING DURING DELIVERY

I know childbirth is ultimately a natural, beautiful, experience, but do we really have to suffer this particular indignity? Isn’t the nudity, pain and blood enough?

When it’s time to push, most midwives will tell you to imagine you’re doing a big poo. It’s advice which will definitely help bring your little one into the world but there’s the obvious, unfortunate, side-effect. While the medical staff will try to discreetly wipe away any unwanted extras, it’s worth remembering this happens to most women during labour.

You may just want to reconsider inviting uncle Bob in to film the birth.

4. LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR BLADDER

Speaking of a loss of bodily functions, most post-partum ladies will suffer from low level incontinence. It begins with antenatal classes on Kegels and ends with a puddle on the floor, or at least some minor leakage.

Throughout my pregnancy, I fully intended to sit on the train to work every day, clenching my vagina and avoiding eye contact with strangers. Instead, I spent it standing and glaring at commuters who wouldn’t give me their seat.

Having a baby wrecks your pelvic floor which means there will be at least one occasion you don’t quite make it to the loo. Once the damage is done, most mums will start taking their pelvic push ups seriously. The good news is the damage can be fixed, but you’ll never look at a Tena commercial the same way again.

3. BEING COVERED IN BABY VOMIT

Shrugging off shoulder spew is nothing for most mums, dads, uncles, aunts and grandparents. Regurgitation is very much the norm for young infants, and cleaning up with a wet wipe quickly becomes second nature. But this is a low level introduction.

As your child gets older they will try to stick everything in their mouth. After months of trying to chew anything from iPhone cables to cat food, your progeny will finally ingest something their stomach can’t handle. And they will throw it all up … over you.

Seeing your baby vomit like this is extremely upsetting so you won’t actually care about getting covered in puke. Your maternal side will provide cuddles, pats and comfort while the pragmatist in you will just be glad there’s no sick to clean out of the sofa.

2. THE BATH TIME POO

There’s one inevitable incident that fills most parents with dread — the bath time turd. As your baby gets bigger so does the problem. They move from the plastic infant tub to your full grown ceramic version.

Often, it’s easier to jump in the bath with them instead of waving a sponge about like a demented giraffe. And the day will arrive when you and your child are left, literally, swimming in s**t.

A code brown is not just traumatic, it’s also an awful lot of work. Poo particles need to be washed off both of you. Toys need to be disinfected, the bathtub scrubbed and you will absolutely find yourself screaming: “NO, DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH!”

1. MANUAL SNOT REMOVAL

A baby can’t blow its own nose. This doesn’t prompt much thought until your child gets his or her first cold. Because decongestants are out for infants and a saline spray will only partially clear the decks. The only way to really help your baby unblock their airways is to suck out the snot.

Manually.

A quick dip into the wonderful world of online parenting reveals much discussion on the topic. One nostril at a time or both at once? Spit or swallow? Even the mum or dad with the strongest of stomachs may baulk at this particular challenge.

Luckily we live in the world of late night infomercials and there are a number of gizmos to help you win the battle of the booger. The BoogieBulb and SnuffleBabe both let you siphon the mucus, without getting any in your mouth. But the king of the nasal aspirators is the NoseFrida. It’s made in Sweden and they even have an expensive looking video …

Maybe I can get one at Ikea.