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Naw.
FIRST Dates is making me believe in love again.
No wait — oysters. It’s making me believe in oysters again. I always get those two mixed up. Maybe I need help from a love expert — I don’t know, some kind of professional flirt.
But for now, we’ve got new experiences to experience.
THE BLACKTOWN BLONDE AND THE BUTCHER
Mikaela is 18, thinks the commitment-phobic boys out her way are “just like, dicksâ€, and is the sweetest girl that ever combined a bodycon dress with a tongue-piercing.
Luke is a professional meat retailer who likes fancying up the word ‘butcher’, not being a commitment-phobic dick, and introducing Mikaela to things that aren’t chicken schnitzel.
These two are almost immediately cute as hell. He relaxes her by assuring her that they’ll overcome their nerves together, and then immediately freaks her out again by suggesting oysters.
“I’ve actually never had oysters beforeâ€, Mikaela says.
The whaaaaaat.Source:Channel 7
After asking what’s actually in oysters, she tries one. It goes about as well as you’d expect for someone who’s not used to the delicate taste of the snot of the sea.
No, ‘ew’ is just French for ‘tastes like chicken schnitzel’.Source:Channel 7
Mikaela washes the taste out of her mouth with some red wine.
“I’ve actually never had red wine beforeâ€, she says.
GET DIRECTLY OUTTA TOWN.Source:Channel 7
By contrast, he doesn’t seem shocked at all when she starts asking if he wants to get married, and how many children he’d like.
But then. Then the main arrives.
“I’ve actually never had duck beforeâ€, Mikaela says.
Oh, come ON.
When asked if there’ll be a second date at Awkward Question Time, of COURSE they both say yes. All Luke had to do was tell Mikaela that pasta comes in more than one shape and she was putty in his hands.
THE BRUMMIE AND THE BOOBS
If Guy Ritchie directed a movie about bras, this date would be the result.
Paul, a bald man from Birmingham in a gangster suit, wants us to know two things: he’s from Birmingham and he likes breasts.
Table for boobs, please.Source:Channel 7
The fact that he’s amorous about the mammarous prompts this cinematic introduction to Paul’s date, Sharon:
My, what a noticeable handbag.Source:Channel 7
Once the camera pans up to Sharon’s face, it tells us that she likes bald men, she’s been married twice, and that men notice her eyes, her smile, and her boobs. Which is good, because it’s been a while since anyone mentioned Birmingham or boobs.
Paul breaks the ice by mentioning he’s from Birmingham, and chats a bit about what it was like growing up there. Sharon listens intently.
Duran Duran, no waaaay.Source:Channel 7
Basically, the rest of the date continues like it’s an adult Sesame Street episode brought to you by the letter B.
She burnishes his bald head.
The Benny Hill theme is not inappropriate at this juncture.Source:Channel 7
She tells him she bought her boobs, and he blinks back belief.
Blimey.Source:Channel 7
After the bill, there’s really nothing left to do but agree to another date, go home, and b ... be polite.
You bloody beautyyy.Source:Channel 7
Things seem to be going remarkably well in the restaurant tonight. Maybe we need:
THE MOST INCOMPATIBLE COUPLE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE
Kate and Griff both love to laugh, so they must have heaps in common, right? I mean, who loves laughing? It’s such a rare quality. It’s like finding someone who likes to have fun, or enjoys music.
See, personal assistant Kate’s father is very sick and her family copes with humour. She wants someone funny and emotionally compatible. “Looks aren’t everything†she says.
Luckily, he looks funny.Source:Channel 7
Super-nervous trivia host Griff is certainly not without his own variety of charm, well-rehearsed jokes, and size-too-small pale blue suits, and he can charm a lady with his entertaining tale of skolling a beer to get to a tin of delicious cat food.
Oddly though, the pair don’t seem to totally click.
Um, you still have some Fancy Feast in your teeth there.Source:Channel 7
Look, it’s not terrible. They do make each other laugh a lot, and she does tell him that she usually doesn’t go for guys like him, and he does tell her he puts a lot of effort into his hair.
OK, it’s terrible. By the time we get to Awkward Question Time, he seems reasonably sure that she’ll reject him. And so does she.
That’s the other thing they have in common.Source:Channel 7
THE BREAD RECOGNISER AND THE BAD BOY
Steph’s back, ready to give romance another go now that she can recognise bread and wear a gold headpiece.
SYDNEY ROCK OYSTERSSource:Channel 7
And while her date Stewart is presented ostensibly as a ‘bad boy’, with his sleeves-rolled up suit jacket, ripped jeans and artfully coiffed ‘do, he’s less ‘bad boy’ than ‘member of a boy band that’s marketed as the bad boy’.
MAINSTREAM POP OYSTERSSource:Channel 7
Granted, there’s rapport. He likes girls who know how to do make-up, and she’s a girl who knows how to do make-up. She likes guys who can take a joke and know how to dip things in olive oil, and he is demonstrably those things.
They even gaze at each other thoughtfully across their drinks.
I wonder what his karaoke song is ...Source:Channel 7
I wonder if she’s any good at roller-blading ...Source:Channel 7
Ultimately though, despite him being able to name one cosmetic brand, she gently drops him, claiming there’s no romantic spark. Boy Band understands and throws her a high-five.
Steph’s a little upset at her second mediocre date in a row, but at least she still met someone.
I love you, bread.Source:Channel 7
Which brings us to ...
THE PROFESSIONAL FLIRT AND WHAT’S-HIS-NAME
OK, this is Layton.
Hi LaytonSource:Channel 7
That’s all you need to know about Layton. Forget Layton. Layton doesn’t matter, because this date is all about self-proclaimed professional flirt Lani, who laughs like Miranda’s takeaway food waitress in Sex And The City.
Chicken with brown sauce and broccoli. Every night the same!Source:Channel 7
Lani says she knows how to turn guys on, so I’m willing to take some lessons from a professional, even one that speaks like she’s sucking on a lozenge in slow motion.
Pray, what love lessons have you for us, Lani?
Lesson 1: Flirt with the bartender. Maybe throw him a compliment or ask him what he likes about you. Laugh a little afterwards.
Lesson 2: Ask your date if he’s intimidated by you, and immediately touch his leg with both hands. Maybe laugh a little afterwards.
Also great if the hand dryer in the bathroom is broken.Source:Channel 7
Lesson 3: Give him the sexy eyes.
Nope.Source:Channel 7
Better.Source:Channel 7
Lesson 4: Do not talk about yourself. If you give them too much, they’ll cry. You are an onion, remember. Reveal yourself in layers. BE THE ONION. Laugh a little afterwards.
Lesson 5: To increase the feeling of intimacy, tell each other naughty secrets while you both hide underneath a napkin. Laugh a little afterwards.
(Whispers) The hand dryer in the bathroom is broken.Source:Channel 7
Lesson 6: Ask your date if he is trying to seduce you, and if he’s going to spoon you later. But remember: his answer is irrelevant. You’re the star here. YOU’RE THE STAR.
As unorthodox as Lani’s lessons are, they’re effective, and the couple walks down the street hand in hand.
So remember: be an onion. Use a napkin.
Laugh a little afterwards.
Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely
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