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Most average Bond movie of all time ... Daniel Craig as James Bond in a scene from Spectre. Picture: Jonathan Olley / Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures / Columbia Pictures / EON Productions via AP
Director: Sam Mendes (Skyfall)
Starring:Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, Lea Seydoux, Ralph Fiennes, Monica Bellucci, Ben Whishaw, Naomie Harris.
Rating: 2.5/5
Plenty of Bonding, but not all of it sticks
THE first two confirmed sightings of James Bond in Spectre indicate there will be ups and downs a’plenty for everyone’s favourite screen secret agent.
The film itself? Well, the lavishly appointed Spectre (as the most expensive Bond picture of all-time) takes 148 slogging minutes (as the longest Bond picture of all-time) to end-up as one of the most average Bond pictures of all-time.
Longtime devotees of all things 007 will be satisfied enough after feasting on this whopping chunk of spy candy. Less-committed onlookers will wish there had have been a little more lasting flavour to the whole sweet-and-sour experience.
In one of the greatest and gripping stand-alone intros to grace a Bond production, we find 007 within the cramped confines of a helicopter in full flight.
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One of the greatest and gripping stand-alone intros ... James Bond (played by Daniel Craig) in Spectre. Picture: Jonathan OlleySource:AP
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James is having himself one hell of a brawl with both a fellow passenger and the pilot of the craft.
Just to up the stakes somewhat spectacularly, the chopper is ducking and diving all over a crowded Central American town square.
If Jimmy doesn’t win the punch-up and take the controls in time, 100,000 Mexicans are going to get a haircut they’ll never forget.
Make no mistake: this is as cracking a start as there’s ever been to a Bond flick. However, let the record show it is bolted to one of the worst opening-credit sequences in the long-running franchise’s history.
While Sam Smith whiningly warbles what sounds like an ode to a missing pet, James and the usual bevy of near-nude lady silhouettes slither and slide about like sexy squids.
No wonder Daniel Craig is rumoured to be wanting a leave pass from further 007 duties. No pay cheque is big enough to extinguish the indignity of sprouting slimy tentacles for all the world to see (and snigger at).
Once Spectre finally gets down to the business at hand, some 45 minutes of obligatory filler have come and gone. Primarily so Bond nerds can tick off on all the stuff they expect to see upon catching up with their old buddy for the 24th time.
An interchangeable exotic femme fatale ... Lea Seydoux plays Madeleine Swann in the new James Bond film. Picture: Jonathan Olley / Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures / Columbia Pictures / EON Productions via APSource:AP
A right royal chewing-out from M (Ralph Fiennes) for being a naughty 007 down in Mexico? Check.
Pay goofy gizmo whizmo Q (Ben Whishaw) a visit for a gadget upgrade? Sure.
Low-level, late-night flirtation with Moneypenny (Naomie Harris)? OK.
Medium-strength sexcapade with a glamourzon (Monica Bellucci) who won’t be seen ever again? Yep.
High-def close-ups of all products who’ve paid a pile for prominent placement in the picture? Done.
While Mr Bond still very much holds his famous licence to kill, he also has to carry around a contract to fulfil.
We have seen it all before ... Bond gets into fisticuffs with Mr Hinx (played by Dave Bautista) in a scene from Spectre. Picture: Jonathan Olley / Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures / Columbia Pictures / EON Productions via APSource:AP
It is only once James has hooked-up properly with this movie’s interchangeable exotic femme fatale of choice (French star Lea Seydoux) that Spectre snaps out of its rut, and rapidly works up a few quality rushes of blood.
Though the impressively-staged action sequences vary in potency — a marathon round of vehicular parkour on the streets of Rome is a highlight, as is any combat scene that doesn’t lean too hard on weapons or explosions — they never bore.
That is the job of Spectre’s snoozy bad-dude Oberhauser (an uncharacteristically hammy Christoph Waltz), who spends more time villain-splaining what he might be up to, rather than committing actual acts of villainy.
Plenty of eye candy ... Stephanie Sigman plays Estrella in a scene from Spectre. Picture: Jonathan Olley / Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures / Columbia Pictures / EON Productions via APSource:AP
Mr Oberhauser does have an intriguing past with James — a past which clunkily fills in some plot-holes left in the wake of all earlier Craig-era Bond movies — but not much of a future in the global evil business.
Any supervillain still dumb enough to hinge a scheme for world domination on a cheap-ass three-minute LED timer attached to a bomb deserves everything coming to him.