Add Category
Shanina Shaik backstage at the Victoria's Secret parade. Picture: Alan Cumming/Instagram
It must seem weird for you to be addressed together (perhaps like bread and bananas once were, but look at them now), but there is a very good reason for it.
See, I’m impressed.
Not by your collective ability to wear — and with utter confidence at that — the kinds of get-up that would attract stares likened to that of the wide-eyed, straight-mouthed emoji if attempted away from the platforms on which you parade them (horse and runway, alike).
Although that in itself does take talent. But this letter isn’t about that attention-hogger, Fashion. No, she gets enough time in the spotlight, what with race-day hats so big they could easily stand in for Jack Sparrow’s eyepatch; or the Angels’ gem-covered dental floss that cost more than any home I could ever lust to afford. This is about your tastebuds. And the control you have over them.
Your tongues appear to be very much like the well-behaved children in cafes who sit quietly sipping their thimble-sized ’cinos while their mummies indulges in reading the glossy lift-outs in the morning papers, from witty start to punchline ending, between sips of dirty chai.
Meanwhile, the rest of us have tongues the equivalent of rascals who poke other patrons’ baked goods. How is it that you keep them in line when an especially oozy looking Nutella doughnut catches their eye? Or when they spot a particularly probable lamb and rosemary sausage roll, bathing in chunky chutney and all? It’s a feat. A spectacle ENTIRELY worthy of stopping the nation. In order to emphasise how disciplined (and surprisingly alike) the model and jockey species are when it comes to treat aversion — and I’m still not at all convinced you are human at all — let us break down what it takes to do what you do (or don’t do) with food.
THE VICTORIA’S SECRET MODEL STATS
Prep time?
Year-round with increased diligence up to 12 weeks out from the ~walk~.
All that for how long on stage?
Ohh, about 10 minutes.
What exactly is on the menu?
When she was a wing-wearer, Miranda Kerr’s former trainer, Justin Gelband, told Women’s Health and Fitness this is indicative of a standard VS diet …
The girls on the Victoria’s Secret catwalk. Picture: Getty Images.Source:Getty Images
Breakfast: Oatmeal or egg whites, cottage cheese and fruit, or granola and yoghurt.
Lunch: Salad with chicken and fish and a side of fruit.
Dinner: Sashimi with brown rice, but no soy sauce due to the high sodium content. Or chicken, fish, turkey and vegetables.
Ultimate nemesis?
Cookies, stashed in Karlie Kloss’s tote.
THE JOCKEY STATS
Prep time?
Year-round, upping the stakes up to four weeks out from the race.
All that for how long on the track?
The Melbourne Cup is completed in just over three minutes.
What exactly is on the menu?
Senior jockey Hugh Bowman reveals what he ate in the lead up to a big race meeting in 2010.
Hugh Bowman. Picture: AAP.Source:AAP
Breakfast: Fruit only.
Lunch: A small bowl of soup.
Dinner: Small serving of fish or chicken with vegetables. The night before any race meetings, he has a small plate of vegetables only.
Ultimate nemesis?
Hot chips and tomato sauce, beckoning from the stands.
So, while I can appreciate the discipline in getting your tastebuds to this point where they’re essentially Solange Knowles, cooly turning disks in a cage at H & M X Balmain opening night while my ’buds run around like bachelorettes just set free from the mansion, I know I will always be the Sam Frost to your Jay-Z slayer. And I’m OK with that, because there’s a race I did win — one that no amount of #cleaneating would have won me, but speedy wi-fi did. It was coveted tickets for a dinner slot at Noma, for a Friday night no less, which sold out in under two minutes. Quicker than any horse race, and closet bogans welcome. Although the reward’s slightly more enticing than a dirty street pie.
Until we ogle you/ironise your willpower again next year jockeys and models …
Yours sincerely,
Tastebud Wrangler
This article originally appeared on the brand new delicious.com.au website.
Read more
You can order room service via emojis now