Just face it. Magpies are downright terrifying in spring. Picture: Trent Nicholson/YouTube Source: YouTube

Then, out of nowhere, there’s this high-pitched screech from high above, and suddenly a rabid beast from hell is trying to devour your right ear.

Magpies. Bloody magpies. Their eggs are hatching, they’re realising how horrible parenthood truly is, and now they need to vent their anger over their life choices.

I spent what felt like my whole childhood bolting away from these Aussie icons/vicious feathered beasts. Just a poor, helpless little brown kid weighed down by a heavy schoolbag, running for his life while screaming in terror every damn afternoon. Too young for a car. Not too young to be pecked to a violent death. If you grew up in any tree-dense Aussie suburb, your childhood was probably just as traumatic.

One afternoon, I tried reasoning with the bloodthirsty devil-parrot, screaming “I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN BABIES!” into the sky with an air of confidence. He considered my claim for about 0.2 seconds, then attempted to dislodge my left eye from its socket.

Year after year, this happened to me, but not necessarily to nearby pedestrians (who would always laugh sadistically). The same spot in the park. The same street corner. I couldn’t work it out. Was it because they’ve seen me eating scrambled eggs? Did they mistake those eggs for their own? Should I become a vegan? I suddenly developed the sneaky suspicion that Sydney’s magpies were all part of a wider conspiracy to take me down.

The face of pure evil. Picture: Braden Fastier Source: News Corp Australia

Turns out, I was right. Well, sort of.

Research has shown that magpies do indeed go for the same people.

According to Griffith University behavioural ecologist Darryl Jones, they can tell people apart and distinguish facial features.

“What is extraordinary is almost all the magpies that swoop people on foot are targeting the same individuals,” he said.

“They can recognise people by their facial features, just like people do.”

The attacks only occur during breeding season, as the birds are trying to protect their young from perceived threats.

On top of this, Dr Jones says that when we flee from the area, their aggressive behaviour is “rewarded” by the fact that we’ve moved away, which in turn encourages them.

There is no clear explanation for why they only perceive certain people as threats, although they’re known to be particularly aggressive towards people with scooters, prams and bikes. (Spare a kind thought for your local postie.)

Here are some assorted tips for avoiding magpies’ wrath during breeding season:

• Carry an open umbrella or large stick above your head. The magpie should swoop at the highest point, and leave your precious face alone

• If you’re riding a bicycle, get off and wheel it through the area quickly. For the love of God, wear a helmet

• Wear a hat, or some other form of protective headgear. Even an upside-down ice cream container will suffice. It’s also been said that drawing eyes or attaching sunglasses to the back will keep the magpie at bay, as it is less likely to attack if it’s being watched

• Ignore that shrieking voice in your head telling you to run like hell. Keep calm and walk quickly, but do not run or raise your arms

• If possible, provide small snacks to magpies in your area, so that they can get to know you. This way, you will be associated with delicious goods, which may put an end to their hostility.

Failing that, just forget about spring. Stay indoors. Don’t leave the house. Keep the curtains drawn. If you hear the sound of feathers, dive under your bed and stay there. Spend the next three months watching Netflix and eating nothing but stale tinned food. If we’re still alive by December, we’ll let you know when it’s safe to come out.

Follow Gavin on Twitter at @GavinDFernando