Q: My partner’s background is Hindu-Indian; mine is Christian-Chinese. We’re about to have our first child and can’t stop arguing about first names. He wants an Indian or Chinese name; I want a traditional Christian or Hebrew name. He says Western-sounding names have no meaning for him. Any ideas on how to resolve the impasse?
E.P., North Ryde, NSW
Illustration by Simon Letch.Credit:
A: Choosing a baby name is a big deal. You’re picking a weird little vocal sound that everyone’s going to use every time they see your kid: “Hello, weird-little-vocal-sound! Goodbye, weird-little-vocal-sound! Hey, get your hand out of the toaster, weird-little-vocal-sound and put down that knife!”
Of course, a kid can always choose an entirely different weird little vocal sound once they turn 18, but they have to fill out complicated paperwork and change their social-media profiles and the parents are never happy about it because the new weird little vocal sound is always a little too weird.
If choosing a baby name isn’t tough enough, you and your partner have the added trickiness of multi-multicultural backgrounds. Hindu, Indian, Chinese, Christian: you guys are a whole Australia Day lamb ad, waving barbecue tongs in the air and shouting, “Come ‘n’ join the party, maaaaate!“
But maybe your multi-multiculturalism is the answer to your problem: you just need a baby name that satisfies all your different identities. And that baby name is “Huh”.
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Recent linguistic research has discovered that the word “huh” appears in almost every language on earth: it’s universal, it’s a monosyllabic, it’s palindromic, it’s gender non-specific. Pretty much the perfect baby name, huh?
Otherwise, I can only suggest the following globally recognised monikers: “Hi”, “Okay”, “Meow”, “Shampoo”, “Taxi” and “Clooney”. Hope I’ve been of some help. Have I? Huh?