We’ve met 10 times over the past four years. I’m not trying to be his dad, but if he wanted to have a chat about anything, I could be an independent party who has an interest in his wellbeing. It’s satisfying to know I’ve helped bring someone into the world who’s not a dickhead; that would be terrible. The other six might not know they’re the result of a sperm donation but, if they made contact with me, I’d be delighted.
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ALEX: Mum and her first husband got married young. When they discovered he couldn’t father a child, they went down the donor-conception path. They requested a European-looking donor because he was Macedonian, but that didn’t happen.
Back then, donor conception was a bit of a Wild West scenario. They divorced when I was about three and I don’t particularly think of him as my dad; I’ve seen him three times since I was seven. Mum remarried around then. I love my stepfather and he loves me; he’s my dad. I have two half-siblings, my sisters.
When I was 27, Mum sat me down and told me I was donor-conceived, because she knew I was about to find out from her first husband. The main thing I felt was empathy: keeping that secret must have been a big burden.
The way I met Les, it was very quick. That’s something we have in common: a no-nonsense approach. I was more concerned about his medical history than anything else, but he also happened to be a decent person and not everyone is lucky enough to find that in their biological father. When we met, we said the same thing, “I was worried you’d be an idiot.” Actually, I said “piece of shit”.
We introduced ourselves with a handshake. We had 40 minutes. I saw his cheekbones and was like, “Yeah, that must be him,” but then realised that taste in beer isn’t genetic: he’s been drinking VB all his life and I can’t stand it.
“I realised that taste in beer isn’t genetic: Les has been drinking VB all his life and I can’t stand it.”
We’re similar in many ways. There’s a general calmness. We like puns and dad jokes. He was a member of Australian Skeptics [a confederation of groups and individuals that investigates pseudo-scientific and paranormal claims] and I consider myself an atheist. We listen to the same podcasts, like Sam Harris’s Making Sense. We’re both logical thinkers. I like that he doesn’t bullshit or feel the need to impress.
I believed in nurture more than nature until I met Les. He’s brought some clarity, perhaps, to why I am the way I am. I consider us stoics. For me, stoicism isn’t about hiding your emotions: it’s about not letting them affect your actions too much. I’m not in IT, but technology interests me: I’ve met most of my best friends playing video games.
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We’re both blood donors and I donate sperm, too. I’m not overly fussed on having my own children, so if I’m going to perpetuate my genes it may as well be with people who are willing to pass the litmus test of wanting it enough to go through IVF. I only exist because of that process, so why not contribute to it for another generation? My birth made Mum happy: in a way, that’s a gift Les gave her.
I’m qualified to donate because I’m the living consequence of the process. If any offspring were to connect with me, they’d find someone who has empathy and understanding. That might be valuable one day.
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