Victorian sex therapist Dr Linda Kirkman says, "Many people are feeling social dislocation and isolation at the moment with the restrictions from the pandemic. This could be exacerbated for you by the sleep divorce."
She asks if you and Liz are compensating for your nocturnal separation in other ways. "Are you having wakeful times in bed, to cuddle, talk, be sexual? If you initiate such times it would be good to make it about mutual connection and happy times, not from an 'it is about time; what about me; I'm feeling neglected; you never…' deficit approach which would be unlikely to be met with a positive response."
In your letter you say: " … my emotional needs are not being met, which almost drove me into an affair from which we're still recovering."
This implies that you see yourself as the passive victim of circumstances, or that you blame Liz – which is not conducive to harmonious relations. Kirkman wonders if you and Liz talk about this?
"What is happening for your wife? How are you building on daily connectedness and shared communication? What is happening with her emotional needs?"
"Recovery from an affair is important and can be difficult without support," Kirkman says. "Have you had sufficient professional assistance to work through shared needs re trust, apology, forgiveness, and repairing hurt?"
Have you spoken to a doctor? Chronic snoring can be a sign of a more dangerous medical condition, sleep apnoea. This can not only be deadly, it can affect you psychologically, and could be contributing to your unhappiness. Your doctor might be able to refer you to someone who can offer a practical solution. There are therapies and devices that might help.
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The most common of these is Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) therapy. The sufferer wears a mask with a mouthpiece. A machine then pushes air, through a tube, into the mask, keeping the upper airway open and unobstructed during sleep.
Unfortunately, even though this is effective, people often give up on it. The equipment is bulky and intrusive, the wearer often finds it hard to fall asleep, or they get a dry mouth, or experience other negative side effects.
If this has been your experience do not give up. Go back to your doctor. Technology is constantly evolving and improving. The next generation of PAP therapies, EPAP, uses the sleeper's own exhaling breath to help alleviate snoring.
"Unlike CPAP, this technology uses only a small adhesive device worn just under the nostrils," Breus says. "The device contains micro-valves that harness the sleeper's breath to provide air pressure to keep the upper airway open [making it easier] to enjoy sleeping close and unencumbered. Sweet dreams."